The Sunset of Another Year

I can't believe Christmas is on Tuesday, nor does it seem possible that it's nearly time to say good-bye to yet another year. My relationships to both my biological and extended families are strained at best (where they're existent at all), so the holidays always bring up some weird feelings for me. However, this year I also have this wonderful feeling of accomplishment to help balance some of that.

I'm realizing that at one point, I got pretty used to feeling like a fuck-up. Every December usually finds me painfully aware of the fact that yet another year has slipped by without my accomplishing anything of note. Anything to be proud of. Nothing I've done to make my life better or truly move forward toward any of the long-term goals I like to claim are so important to me.

But not this year. This year, I can look back on a year I spent diligently improving myself. I've been exercising every day. I've been eating well. I've been taking amazing care of myself, both inside and out. I've been learning, reading, praying, and worshiping. (I am learning German, among other things!) I feel beautiful, and confident, and strong. I can honestly say I am finally growing into a woman I am proud to be and cultivating an image I'm unashamed to show to the rest of the world, either casually or in regards to something that's more serious.

Take last weekend, for instance. I've sort of made friends with one of our Instacart shoppers over Facebook recently and she asked to meet me in person last Saturday. (Normally I do the shopping and handle the orders, but Seth gets the door for the shopper in the event the delivery includes alcohol and needs to be signed for.) I'll probably never be the most voluntarily social person in the world, but it was really nice not to feel like I literally can't show my actual face to anyone because I've let my weight, hygiene, and grooming routine slide too far out of control for too long. Despite wearing boxer shorts and absolutely zero make-up, I felt like a normal human being saying hello to a friend who wanted to see me and that was really nice for a change.

This year has brought me so far from where I once was. I'm truly excited to see where I am by this time next year if when I continue to stick with all of my fantastic new habits. I have this wonderful suspicion that I have no real idea who I could become if I can just manage to believe in myself consistently enough for long enough.

I think next year, I'd like to see if I can leverage some of this momentum into whipping our bedroom into shape. Getting rid of all the junk and clutter. Cleaning. Maybe decorating a little bit and setting up a corner we can use for eating, working, or whatever else we might be in the mood for. I'd like to see if I can integrate some regular creative writing time into my schedule as well. I really need to be working on some serious pieces of my own that I can submit to publishers and whatnot so I can at least say I'm trying to make fetch happen with my writing. I just need to make it a habit just like I have everything else I've been working on. Suddenly, it seems so easy. Definitely possible.