"Christmas Means Family" Is a Full-of-Shit Statement

Clark Griswold is still my spirit animal.

Now that November's over and December is officially here, we're officially in the process of shifting gears at my house. That means the Christmas lights are lit on a nightly basis, and we've officially started our yearly watchings of some of our favorite holiday films. Last night's pick was one of my personal favorites -- National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. 

The older I get, the more I think I relate to Clark (Chevy Chase) on a level I never did when I first fell in love with this film. I keep holidays very low-key these days for all sorts of reasons, but I'm usually the person in my household that does most of the planning for holiday celebrations. I put together the menus and do all the cooking. Back when my living situation allowed for it more, I used to get pretty into decorating my apartment and trying to make it feel like a magical place to be for the holidays. Sometimes I'd go overboard or fail to plan ahead well enough and wind up shooting myself straight in the foot, just like Clark, but it's probably not too hard to understand why.

Growing up, I was a very idealistic child, and my home life failed to measure up in many ways. My parents stopped loving each other at some point when I was a little kid but made the "honorable" decision to "stay together for the kids" anyway. I don't know who they thought they were fooling, though, because it was pretty apparent that neither of them was about that family life. My dad openly dated other women and was home as little as possible, even around the holidays. My mom more or less just gave up on domestic life -- hated to cook, hated doing the mom thing, and hated keeping house. Each of my parents bad-mouthed the other to my brother and me non-stop, so that was fun.

Meanwhile, there I was with my nose in a book throughout every holiday season, just like always. I wanted my family to care about each other (and Christmas) like the Cratchits did in A Christmas Carol. I was convinced that it would make things different and fill my home environment with the joy that was so conspicuously missing. When you're a kid, you really do think life's that simple -- that if you can make other people happy enough, everything will turn out great in the end, just like it always did in the movies or in the books I loved so much.

When National Lampoons Christmas Vacation came out in 1989, I think I was about 13 or 14. I was young enough that I was definitely still a kid at heart but old enough for the film's adult themes to make an impression on me. I related to Clark's determination to make the holidays special and create memories he could treasure forever, even though his family often found it tedious and didn't always appreciate it. Well into young adulthood, I had a rich fantasy life, just like Clark. I definitely held onto my childish idealism the way he did. Like Clark, I thought if I just tried hard enough and was patient enough that the people in my life would eventually come around, be happier, and appreciate life -- and me -- more. 

Cut to several decades later. I'm not 13 and idealistic anymore; I'm 44 and jaded as fuck. I also gave up on most of my family members a long time ago because I came to recognize them for the indifferent people they are and my childhood home for the toxic environment that it was. We all became estranged from one another many years ago for that reason and many more. They're not interested in me beyond what they can use me for, and I'm not here for that at this age. These days, I consider myself a person who doesn't have much close family anymore, as most people would define the term. 

I went through a long phase where I hated the holidays because of how they reminded me of what I not only no longer had but really never had in the first place. Then I met Seth and spent several years away from everything I knew and everyone I'd grown up around -- an experience that turned out to be a life-changer in all the right ways. I burned everything I thought the holidays needed to be to the ground and then rebuilt it all into something new -- something that wasn't based on fictional images from movies or empty social concepts that didn't fit into my life.

These days, I'm back to loving the holidays the way I used to when I was little, but I also cut the bullshit like the crotchety, middle-aged adult I now am. I love to cook and take pride in making some of the most beautiful holiday meals I've ever had in my life. (Food has always been important to me, so no holiday is complete without plenty of it on the table.) I still adore A Christmas Carol and read it almost without exception around this time of year. Seth and I love our Christmas films and enjoy watching them together every year. 

But I also fully recognize that Christmas in no way has to be spent surrounded by blood relatives to be worth celebrating. This time of year is about celebrating whatever and whoever makes your life special, happy, and worth waking up in the morning for. You don't need to have great relationships with your parents, siblings, in-laws, or extended family to make the holidays special. You just need a willing spirit and the courage to say "yes" to what works for you and "no" to what doesn't.