On Happiness, Sour Grapes, and Other Discoveries

Flowers of Happiness - Eric Bruni

I've been noticing an interesting trend among some of my readers lately. More than a couple of them have read my things and commented on the fact that I sound happy or that I seem like a happy, centered person, in general. At first, I thought, "No, if you knew me, you'd know that's not true." But then I actually thought about it for a second and considered the possibility that they might be right. 

I'm definitely still capable of getting white-knuckle-level angry about things -- like all the stupidity going on out there in the world. For instance, I'm inwardly livid at all of these people who refuse to go get a COVID vaccine or take even the tiniest steps to take better care of the environment and make this shithole of a world a better place to be. 

And I actually feel comfortable using the word "furious" to describe how I feel about certain aspects of my personal life that truly aren't fair. I'm 45 years old and am, in many ways, still waiting to see what feels like a reasonable return on all the labor I put into my work and many of my personal relationships. I also fully get that I'm probably fighting a losing battle in at least a few of those cases. But those are situations (and in some cases people) that make me feel momentarily angry.

I realize I don't feel angry the rest of the time, so it's definitely not my default state anymore (if it ever was). I sometimes wonder how much of my tendency to self-identify as an angry, bitchy person over the years has indeed come from me at all. That's something I've usually been told by others, usually after I've just finished setting or reinforcing a boundary that should have been there all along. 

But yeah, maybe I am happy. I see too much beauty in the world around me these days not to be. This is especially the case since I've stopped drinking. I feel like my mind's reached this whole other level of clarity and sharpness that I've really been liking, especially when it comes to all my creative pursuits. 

........

In other news, the results of that huge Medium writing contest are in. And as I'm sure you can tell from the fact that I didn't lead with that information that I didn't win anything -- not even an honorable mention award, let alone any of the bigger prizes. Not that I really expected to, as there were just so many participants, and some of the entries I read were just incredible. Still, though. The notion of winning was a pleasant fantasy for a while, and it always kind of sucks to have to let go of such things. 

I don't think it exactly helps that none of the four winning entries really impressed me that much. I feel uncomfortable saying that out loud. There have been a lot of other writers spewing their jealousy and sour grapes in every direction since the results were announced, and I don't want to sound like I'm one of them. It's true, though. All four of the articles were fine, but I didn't think any of them was clearly the best of the best in any of their respective categories. Some of them were so long and rambled so much, I didn't even finish them, which is a rarity for me. I didn't like any of them better than even the weakest of mine, either, and I certainly didn't think they deserved to win over some of the other pieces I read.

It is what it is, though, and I really can't complain. I came out of that experience with four incredible pieces that I'm immensely proud of. I had a blast writing each one, as well as reading all the beautiful pieces others were putting out there. I discovered so many other incredible writers to follow. And I fell head over heels in love with writing creative nonfiction, too -- a style I'd never seriously considered as an option for myself. It's the best of both worlds -- telling my own true stories but in a manner that makes them sparkle and shine like they're made of jewels. A kind of writing alchemy, maybe.