I'm especially confused by a lot of my friendships with other women, both online and off. Most women are socialized to be a lot less direct and straightforward than men, so I'm never quite sure where I stand with a lot of them. There have always been at least a few who seem really conflicted as far as how they feel about me. I'll pick up on definite interest and admiration, but also an undercurrent of something darker. Jealousy or resentment, maybe. Something competitive gone completely sour.
I often feel like such acquaintances are secretly rooting for me to fail, especially if their goals and dreams for themselves intersect with mine at all, as if there's a limited amount of success to go around and they feel I'm getting more than my share. I never know what to do about people that give off that vibe -- that they don't root for me to win or cheer for me when I do. I don't like feeling like people I know are sitting around wishing evil or misfortune into my life, but I also feel like I'm not patient enough with people and cut others off way too quickly. I'm trying to be less like that, especially as I get older, so more often than not, I just let people hang around, but distance myself to stay off of their radar as much as possible.
This morning, I noticed that one of these women apparently unfriended me on Facebook over the weekend. I haven't been posting anything inflammatory lately, nor have I been leaving ambiguous comments on her posts, so I don't think the reason was anything like that. She was in the habit of leaving odd comments on some of my posts that made me feel like she resents a lot of the personal progress I've been making though -- especially when it comes to things like selfies, beauty posts, or workout/health updates. This person had been on the wagon for a while herself with all of that stuff, but she started backsliding badly around the time my own progress was becoming really visible, and I think she resents that.
She's even said outright before that when she sees posts like that from me, she's reminded that she really needs to be doing better on that front. She's also expressed jealousy-esque feelings over the fact that her partner doesn't really back her up in regards to the things she tries to do to better herself, while mine does. I doubt the fact that I've been growing professionally and finding my voice as a writer again has been helping much either. Not that it's a big deal or anything. I hadn't felt connected to this person in quite some time, but she seemed pretty invested in following me, so the unfriending was interesting and unexpected.
........
In other news, I had a pretty good weekend on Medium thanks to the latest couple of pieces I published. After that first lucky break, I'd been having trouble getting subsequent posts curated. I had three passed over in a row, one of which was also rejected by a publication I'd submitted it to. Then I churned out a couple of winners in a row -- an advice post about language learning, as well as a healthy eating how-to for people interested in learning to enjoy eating vegetables more. Both of those were curated, and the language one was also accepted by The Ascent for publication.
Neither of those posts has gone semi-viral or started spewing money like that first post did (or at least not yet), but still. I'm almost more excited about the back-to-back curations, as well as scoring my first acceptance to a Medium publication. Based on the strength of those posts, as well as the previous one, I also earned top writer status in "self improvement". It's displayed right there on my profile and everything!
Considering how focused I've been on bettering myself over the past couple of years or so, that really means a lot to me. I didn't start down that road hoping to capitalize on it, or even be recognized for it. I'm not even sure I intended to write about it in so much detail. I haven't even talked much about any of these things on social media, because I don't want it to sound like I'm bragging or fishing for compliments, so this feels extremely validating on a level that's hard to explain. This is absolutely the type of thing I want to be doing with my writing -- expressing myself using my own voice and talking about topics that are important to me.
I love that I'm also empowering others who are like me and want to be better than they are, but don't know where to start. I often struggle with feeling like I don't set a very godly example because I'm so asocial and dislike most pursuits that are about nurturing other people or helping them grow. I do very much like doing that through my writing though, so perhaps this is what God had in mind for me all along. I figure he made me the way I am for a reason, and it's encouraging to think that this could be it.
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