Many Departures

I never feel like I have that much going on in my life until I actually sit down to blog when it's been a while. It really makes me realize the extent to which time flies. My cat died not long after my last post. She was on the older side and hadn't been doing that well for a while, so it wasn't completely unexpected. It managed to be wholly devastating anyway though. 

I'm not the sort of person that supports wallowing in emotions like grief or disappointment -- or at least not to the point where it starts to feel like it's doing you more harm than good -- but I can't lie. This has been really hard for me. I've had many pets over the years, but Ched was just special. She's pretty much the only living being I've ever known that I can honestly say never seemed to feel anything toward me but love. It's done me so much good to know that any living thing could really embrace me unconditionally like that because it's certainly more than I can say for even the best humans in my life.

And as tough as it can be to feel sad for the loss of both big and little souls that touch lives, I've realized there's a positive side to grief. It's your proof that you experienced someone and something worth missing. I've literally had whole-ass family members and so-called good friends exit this planet without eliciting so much as a tear from me, let alone full-force grief, but looking back on those relationships, I'm not surprised. They were never there for me. They never laughed with me or cried with me. They never actually acted like they loved me or cared about being part of my life. And to be honest, the feeling was mutual. 

I know a lot of animals are unconditionally loving and loyal -- one reason I've always preferred them to people -- but Ched was that to an unusual degree. She did nothing but love me, even when I got frustrated, irritated, or downright angry with her. I worry that I wasn't always as nice to her as she deserved, but I'm sure she had to have known how loved she was regardless. I tried to show her as much as I could and to the extent that I know how. 

We buried her in an out-of-the-way corner of the front yard the Saturday before last right after I dug her grave on my knees with my very own (gloved) hands. I ordered her a little garden-safe grave marker with a sleeping kitty on it. (Seth and I have yard work planned for today, so we'll put it out then.) It will be nice to replace the broken garden planters and brush I have on the grave now to keep the animals away with something permanent and fitting. 

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I wound up being pretty glad I applied for that stimulus check because I actually got it. That money's been so helpful this month with catching up on bills and staying on top of things while I continue to work and earn. I forget sometimes how nice it is to actually have even occasional money coming in via some other channel than the sweat of my own back. I guess that doesn't make me a very good "strong, independent woman" like I'm supposed to want to be here in the year 2020, but it is what it is.

Work has been going surprisingly well lately. I still get the occasional unreasonable client who's a real piece of work, but that's a rare occurrence these days. I've met far more wonderful new clients than bad ones lately. One of them is a new regular who runs an online clothing boutique and has ordered several content pieces from me directly after I knocked one of his crowd orders out of the park. That's meant more money that's greatly appreciated and that feels fair for the amount of work I'm putting in. I've met lots of clients I enjoy writing for these days though.  

I think it's helped that I prefer working through writing platforms lately to hitting the virtual pavement and going after as many independent clients as I used to. The platforms act as a middle man between me and the client to help ensure prices are fair, payments are made on time, and so forth. As much as I enjoy being in business for myself, I don't always like having to do everything myself, so it's nice to have someone else making (and enforcing) at least a few of the rules on my behalf. 

I could stand to be doing more with my public-facing personal writing on here and on Medium right now, but I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. I've been so diligent and prosperous with work lately -- something I'm genuinely proud of. I've also been writing quite a lot privately. I found a mobile-based personal journaling app that works a lot better for me than the old one I was using. I've been writing in it literally every day since and it's really been helping to keep my thoughts good and sorted. 

It may even be the reason work's been going so well lately because I've definitely become a more fluid writer in recent weeks. I recently bit the bullet and installed Grammarly though, so I have to give a little credit there as well. I have Grammarly plug-ins installed everywhere I possibly can these days -- my phone, my browser, my desktops, Microsoft Word -- and I use them on a literal daily basis. They've been helping me catch so many errors and coaching me on how I can really make my writing sing. 

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Last but not least, COVID-19 and everything that's come with it has proven to be as polarizing as any election. I don't like a lot of people's attitudes about this, nor do I approve of how they're handling it, and I've been pretty vocal about it. This is especially the case on Facebook where more of my close acquaintances, particularly from the past, read what I write. Yes, a lot of what I've expressed has been disappointment over people not wanting to wear masks or shelter in place the way they're supposed to, but much of it has had to do with people's... wallowing, for lack of a better word.

I don't like how whiny, and lazy, and self-indulgent so many people have become lately. Yes, I get we're in the middle of a pandemic. That's a massive, hairy deal. I understand that a lot of people are scared and anxious. But I don't think that's a good excuse to just stop looking for ways to stay productive and keep life meaningful. I don't like laziness or self-indulgence under the best of circumstances and I'm very aware that part of that attitude has to do with those things being old, highly negative tendencies of mine. 

That's exactly why I feel the way I do about this though. No one knows better than I do what a big mistake it is to just give up on life and decide that there's no point in anything anymore. I know what a huge shitshow your life becomes when you just stop being mindful about your drinking and substance use because you don't care about anything anymore. I know what happens when you just decide to shrug, stop exercising and get fatter by the day. That's exactly why I also get how important it is to find something to do with your body, your mind, and your spirit -- not just once in a while either, but daily. 

I've been shouting all this from the rooftops lately because I don't want people to make the same mistakes I did, but I've been losing friends because of it. And I think I might be happy about that. Most of the people who've bounced from my life lately because I won't support their lazy, self-indulgent choices and excuses are... losers, to put it really plainly. They're the sort of people whose lives legitimately depress me when I see posts from them rolling through my feed. I don't want to surround myself with people like that. I want to be a winner surrounded by other winners, and I guess I can't do that if there's an entire crowd of losers in the way.