On Being Female and Writing on the Internet

A funny thing happens when you go from no one giving a flying fuck who you are or what you write about to actually having an audience somewhere that's growing, no matter how slowly. Suddenly, you're no longer just writing for yourself or for a handful of friends who would be interested in almost anything you put out there because they're interested in you. You're writing for people who know nothing about you beyond what they can glean from your content. 

Most are also less interested in you as a person and more interested in what you can teach them or how reading you can make their lives better. Some of those people will be total strangers, and it turns out the experience of writing for such people is a mixed bag. You often get to find out what others honestly think of you because they'll tell you in no uncertain terms sometimes. Hopefully, you've got a thick skin and a relatively down-to-earth mental image of who you are and what you're really about because you will need them.

The vast majority of the folks who interact with my content or decide to get in touch with me outside of Medium because of something I wrote are lovely. They enjoy my writing, get something useful out of it, and want to thank me for writing it in the first place or ask me a question about something I said. I've also had people point out specifics that they enjoy in my work that make me look at myself in a different, more positive light. One of the things I hear the most often is that people dig my authenticity and my strong sense of self. I've even had certain individuals, especially other women, tell me the way I present myself inspires them, and that makes me feel pretty darned good about being me.

But there are always a few sour apples in every barrel. As a heterosexual woman on the internet who frequently writes very frankly on topics like relationships and dating, I've attracted my share of incels and "nice guys" who feel personally attacked by some of the things I have to say. They especially don't want to hear those things from a woman who's attractive, happily married, and old enough to have been around the block a couple of times. It makes it harder to default to insulting my looks or pointing out that I'm single or divorced as proof that I don't know what I'm talking about. They're forced to actually consider my words instead, and that's not something overgrown man-babies like to do. At all. 

For instance, one older gentleman a while back was apparently pissed off enough about something I wrote to comment on it twice the first time around. Then he came back, like, a month later to comment some more after rereading the article and deciding he was still pissed off at me for writing it. He also felt the need to lay into me in the comments to another article for "dumping" on my family when all I'd actually done was mention in passing that my family was dysfunctional for the sake of context. Never in my life have I been that angered by the opinions and outlook of a total stranger, so I can only imagine what that guy's thought process must have been.

Like most blunt people, I'm used to hitting some nerves when I get to talking about anything in particular. But this is new and interesting territory indeed -- territory other female writers are also painfully aware of. I had no idea there were still this many grown men on the internet that feel this threatened by confident women with opinions. I guess at least I know my writing inspires emotion instead of boring people to death. Who knew being bullied in grade school and continuously criticized by my parents would prepare me to write on the internet one day?

........

My 45th birthday is next Sunday, and how I ever grew to be that old, I'll never know. I still think of "45" as my parents' age even though they're both senior citizens by now. I also frequently still feel like a teenager who's just phoning it in and pretending to be an adult. But I absolutely love being this age. I feel like I'm indeed at my best at this age. I'm wiser, I'm more composed, I'm more experienced. In my opinion, I even look better. I wish every woman in her 40s felt this way about herself. 

As usual, I don't have plans beyond a quiet pasta dinner at home and a movie night, but that's honestly what I prefer on any given day -- staying home with Seth and celebrating quietly by ourselves. Plus, it would be hard for this year's birthday not to be better than last year's. The pandemic panic and all the lockdowns started right before my birthday last year, so I couldn't even get essential supplies for a birthday dinner at any of the stores. At least I know I'll be able to buy groceries this year. It's a start!