Before the pandemic hit, it had already been many years since I went out regularly. I don't drive or like being around people, so it's almost always easier to stay home and order the things I need online while running my business and handling my other responsibilities around the house. Strangely, though, I never developed any real anxiety about being out in public. If I felt like it, I could easily head out to the county fair, or the beach, or something, have a great time, and probably even want to go back the next day.
I feel entirely differently about all that today for obvious reasons. Now, when I see other people, I no longer see minorly annoying fellow humans that might -- at worst -- try to suck me into a boring conversation I don't really want to have. I see walking, talking meat-bags filled with germs and death that can absolutely kill me, especially if they're not masked up properly. And I feel like the outside world has become a dangerous place I'm best off avoiding. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I find the idea of getting COVID (or seeing anyone I care about get it) positively terrifying.
In other words, while I'm grateful to be able to have access to a vaccine, I'm hyper-aware of the fact that to get vaccinated in the first place, I will first have to go out unvaccinated into that big, bad world filled with walking, talking germ bags at least twice. And so will Seth. Naturally, I have a lot of anxiety about that on both counts, especially when it comes to Seth. I still have nightmares about the time he almost died in the hospital of pneumonia years ago. I also realize I'm far more worried about him getting sick and leaving me all alone in the world than I am about getting sick myself, although that would also suck.
I'm sure I'll work through that and persevere the way I always do, but I can't say it's my favorite thing to think about right now. I would just love for it all to be over so I can get back to focusing on work, and writing, and all the good things I have going on in my life -- the things that make it so worth trying to get vaccinated in the first place. I want Seth and I both to be around to enjoy those things for a long time to come.
In other news, I'm still feeling a little bit under the weather, but I'm doing a lot better than I was for a while. My body finally appears to be used to spring being here, along with all the pollen and allergies that come with it. This will never be my favorite time of year, especially with how bipolar our weather here likes to be, but I'm a lot happier when my entire immune system isn't going haywire because of it. I guess I'm just feeling off these days for a lot of weird reasons.
Hopefully, by the time summer gets here, we'll have this whole vaccination thing out of the way, and I'll feel ready to rejoin the world a little bit. I'm actually starting to feel sick of being home literally all the time whether I want to be here or not. Now that I'm making more money despite spending fewer hours working, I can afford to go out and do more things, and I really want to. I miss fresh air, and sunshine, and plants, and wildlife. I miss picnicking on the beach with Seth before zoning out and listening to music for a while as I watch the waves. I really miss having new experiences to write about and share.
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