On Rough Exits from Summer and the Coming of Fall

Lady Autumn - Olha Darchuk

So, I guess I should have known things felt a little too good to be true after I got that whole DMV excursion out of the way. It showed up in the mail really quickly, and I figured I could totally just hunker down, stay safe at home, and immerse myself in my writing for a good long while without a care in the world. I even had a nice, long holiday weekend planned for Labor Day.

But then the Friday before, I wound up having to pack Seth into an Uber and go with him to the emergency room for some digestive issues he'd suddenly started having. He also wound up staying in the hospital for a couple of days, as some blood pressure problems also came to light once he was there. He's home now and on meds with plans to stay on top of the issues that were found, but still. 

That was kind of a rough note on which to end the summer, especially considering what a pleasant summer it had actually been up to that point. Life hasn't quite felt right since, so we're still struggling to feel normal again. We've both been taking care to get our rest and make enough time for proper self-care. Hopefully, we'll feel like ourselves again soon.

Getting older is honestly no joke, people, as it's scary how quickly the wear and tear eventually add up. You do what you can to stay healthy, fit, active, and vital... but sometimes it's still not quite enough. If I could tell my younger self -- and young people in general -- just one thing, it would be not to take your health for granted, because one day staying healthy isn't going to be as effortless as it feels when you're 20. I definitely haven't been the worst as far as taking care of myself over the years, but I haven't exactly been the best, either. Definitely food for thought.

........

That said, I suppose it's time to start closing the book on summer and getting ready to move forward into fall. The equinox will be here soon -- around the time of Seth's birthday, actually. The weather is still blissfully cool here, even halfway through September, especially in comparison to other years. No wildfires right down the street this year. Halloween is on the way, with Thanksgiving and Christmas soon to follow. (How it's time for all that again, I'm sure I don't know.)

On Writing About the Tough Stuff

I seem to have reached a turning point with some of my writing lately that I thought was still a few years down the line -- the point where I'm no longer just thinking about telling my more challenging stories, but actually sitting down and writing them. And then I've been going and posting them in front of actual people instead of just pouring my soul out into my journal and calling it a day. The topics are all over the place, but they include things to do with my upbringing, my complicated relationships with my parents, some of the abuse I experienced while married to my ex, and so forth. 

I've been at it here and there for a few months now, and it's been a strange experience, especially when it comes to things I'm talking about for the first time. I often wind up feeling like I picked at a freshly-formed scab or lanced an infected boil -- sort of gross at first, with a lingering feeling of just having done something I shouldn't have, but then much better afterward when the pain is gone. I think doing this has made some of these things easier to bear and continue healing from.

I feel like I need to cheer up a little bit soon, though. I don't want to develop a reputation for being someone who complains all the time and never seems to have anything positive to say. I'm a much more joyful, grateful person than I let on a lot of the time -- even on days when I'm not feeling my emotional best. But sometimes, I find it valuable and worthwhile to look at some of the more challenging aspects of my existence through my writing. Here are a few insights for those of you who may be trying to do something similar.

Start by journaling in private first.

I'm not sure exactly what I expected when I started keeping a private journal again a little over a year ago. I thought it would be fun -- a throwback to my younger years when I journaled ferociously, and I knew it would be helpful in working through things without having to bother other people for a shoulder all the time. I didn't really expect it to change much about the rest of my writing, but that's exactly what wound up happening. 

On Vaccine Availability and Coronavirus Anxiety

A few days ago, California officially opened up the availability of the coronavirus vaccine to everyone over the age of 16. That means Seth and I can, in theory, go and get ourselves vaccinated as soon as I can get us appointments. In actuality, though, we will probably be waiting at least a little while for some of the rush to die down a bit. The fewer people we have to be around to get this done, the better.

Before the pandemic hit, it had already been many years since I went out regularly. I don't drive or like being around people, so it's almost always easier to stay home and order the things I need online while running my business and handling my other responsibilities around the house. Strangely, though, I never developed any real anxiety about being out in public. If I felt like it, I could easily head out to the county fair, or the beach, or something, have a great time, and probably even want to go back the next day. 

I feel entirely differently about all that today for obvious reasons. Now, when I see other people, I no longer see minorly annoying fellow humans that might -- at worst -- try to suck me into a boring conversation I don't really want to have. I see walking, talking meat-bags filled with germs and death that can absolutely kill me, especially if they're not masked up properly. And I feel like the outside world has become a dangerous place I'm best off avoiding. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I find the idea of getting COVID (or seeing anyone I care about get it) positively terrifying.

In other words, while I'm grateful to be able to have access to a vaccine, I'm hyper-aware of the fact that to get vaccinated in the first place, I will first have to go out unvaccinated into that big, bad world filled with walking, talking germ bags at least twice. And so will Seth. Naturally, I have a lot of anxiety about that on both counts, especially when it comes to Seth. I still have nightmares about the time he almost died in the hospital of pneumonia years ago. I also realize I'm far more worried about him getting sick and leaving me all alone in the world than I am about getting sick myself, although that would also suck.

Soul-Tired on a Friday

I'm so glad it's Friday. I've been dog-tired this week -- the kind of tired that isn't just physical. It's soul-tired, and as is often the case with me, I couldn't really say for sure why I feel this way. There's nothing crazy going on in my personal life. I'm not overworked, burnt out, or frustrated with any of my clients right now. My brain appears to be chewing on something, though, even if it's just doing that weird thing it does and chewing on itself.

One way I know this is the positively bizarre dreams I've been having at night. They don't make much sense, but they come with intense emotions that don't fit the dreams' events whatsoever. For instance, the other night, I was dreaming about a bunch of young priests eating mashed potatoes on a bus. Something about this scanned as very ominous and was giving me horrible anxiety. And then some of them started putting gravy on the mashed potatoes, which was apparently such cause for alarm that I woke myself up out of a sound sleep. Hopefully, I'll go back to sleeping well and having normal dreams soon.

Thankfully, I could kind of see the writing on the wall with my energy levels earlier in the week, so I decided not to fill my schedule but so full as I moved closer to the weekend. As a result, I don't have any freelancing obligations to take care of today and can focus on my own writing for a change -- one reason I'm updating this blog on a Friday instead of leaving it until some point over the weekend or even Monday. It's cloudy out, and I'm just sitting here in my nice, dark room vibing to some Taylor Swift -- not a bad way to end a week at all.