I don't know if this is just part of what comes with being in my 40's now or what, but I'm morphing into one hell of a fucking grouch as I age. I've never been much of a social animal, but I'm becoming ever more reclusive and antisocial by the day, it seems. I really fucking hate people anymore, and I don't feel like I have the emotional bandwidth to deal with anyone else's bullshit at this phase in my life. It's showing in some of the decisions I've been making about my social media presence lately.
To name just one example, I just got done fiddling with my settings here to reflect my increasingly shitty attitude toward humanity in general and discarded people from my past in particular. Although I still am allowing this blog to be listed in Blogger's databases, I've decided I no longer wish to allow the search engines to index it. I've also locked down the Facebook settings on my link section -- the only place online I even list this blog -- so only non-family acquaintances and friends can even access it in the first place.
It just occurs to me that the only people out there actively Googling for blogs I might be writing these days are people that already know damn well I want nothing to do with them. I still don't care to go back to keeping a completely locked blog like I used to on LiveJournal, as I like having something personal that Facebook friends can check out if they're interested in getting to know me better. I still don't ultimately care if any of the sad-ass stalkers I have actually find or read any of my writings here, but I figure there's no need to make it easy on them.
On that note, maybe I should see the way I feel about other people these days as a good thing. Although it's a distant memory at this point, I seem to remember not having many standards when it came to who I befriended or kept company with. I was willing to give literally anyone a chance to be part of my life. I didn't even make them earn it first. I didn't care if they were good people. I didn't care if they brought anything to the table. All they had to do was like me and seem charmed by one or more of my personal qualities (e.g. looks, talents, smarts, whatever). I never once asked myself whether or not I actually liked any of these people back or found anything about knowing them to be personally rewarding.
I'm realizing that I ask myself those questions now. Do I like this person? Are they honest? Are they driven? Do they value the same things I find inviolably important in life -- like God, or learning, or ongoing self-improvement? Are they on my level and in my same league, or are they just another deadbeat that's going to start bleeding me dry at their earliest convenience? Unfortunately, almost no one makes the cut anymore, but that's probably as it should be.
I am kind of digging being "out there" more as far as social media platforms like Instagram or Twitter are concerned though. Facebook too, although I do keep that one a little more locked down than the others. I especially like being part of the beauty crowd these days. It's keeping me really motivated in regards to my workouts and all of the other self-care habits I promised myself I'd stick with. A couple of my friends keep telling me that the glammed up 2.0 version of me reminds them of Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit was #goals to me when I was a little girl wondering what I'd look like when I was older. Maybe she can (and should) be again. Suffice it to say, I'm appropriately flattered.
Now that I'm in my 40's, I find that I can finally properly appreciate being seen as a beautiful woman. It's different at this age. When you're young and beautiful, people assume you don't really work for it. They also not only assume that your looks are all you have going for you, but they take it for granted that you expect to get by solely on how you look for the rest of your damn life. I seem to recall constantly being written off as stupid or slutty because of how I looked as well, and it fucking sucked.
When you're older but also beautiful, people know you work for it. They assume you must be incredibly disciplined to look the way you do at your age, and they're not wrong. And unless they have a reason to think it, no one assumes a beautiful 40-something woman is slutty or stupid. They assume she has her shit together on a level all the overweight, frumpy soccer moms don't. People finally see me that way these days, and it's interesting to realize it's because of the very thing that I felt stopped people from taking me seriously before.
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