"I'll See You Again in 25 Years..."

Romy and Michelle were my spirit animals back then.

My 25-year high school reunion is apparently coming up. How that could be, I don't know. On the one hand, high school really does feel like a lifetime ago, but on the other, I truly don't feel like it's a literal quarter-century in the past. Part of me wishes I could say that I'm going, but I'm pretty realistic with myself and with others these days as far as what can be expected of me socially.

Years ago, after I'd graduated but while high school was still really fresh in my mind, I used to fantasize about going to one of these damned things at some point and just blowing everyone right the fuck away. (Think Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, but without the best friend.) But then my 10-year rolled around at a point where, much like Romy or Michelle, I was really worried about how my life might look from the outside looking in. I looked really good and I wasn't saddled with a million kids the way so many other people from my graduating class were, but I was still working retail -- something I was very ashamed of at the time, especially considering how smart I was always considered to be. Plus I was still married to Greg, not to mention profoundly unhappy with the marriage by 2004 or so. The person that he was embarrassed me deeply, and I was ashamed of myself for settling for a relationship that didn't meet a single one of my personal needs.

I didn't want to have to face these people and tell them that. That the smart, creative "whiz kid" everyone thought was going places ultimately wound up selling shoes at Macy's and was married to some weird, boring man who was old enough to be her father. Not only did I skip the reunion entirely because of those things, but I remember living in constant fear of running into people I used to know around town, because I didn't want them to see how my life had turned out.

I made a ton of changes not long after that, including ditching both the dead-end job and the milquetoast husband, probably in part because the shame reached a point where it was unbearable. Eventually my 15-year and 20-year reunions rolled around, except both of those times, I felt I had a lot to brag about. I was working for myself doing creative things that made good use of my talents. I was in a long-term relationship with someone my own age whom I not only loved, but was proud to be seen with and associated with. I still looked pretty darned good, especially considering I wasn't taking the greatest care of myself at the time. I was once again someone who was considered smart, talented, worthwhile, and even successful by a lot of people's definition.

But I also realized I'd completely lost any interest whatsoever in ever going to one of these damned reunions. The more comfortable I've come to feel in my own skin and with my life in general, the less I've felt the need to "prove" I ultimately turned out alright to anyone other than myself.

Plus, modern technology and social media have meant I wound up reconnecting with most of these people over the years anyway. I've gotten back in touch with old friends. I've somehow made new friends out of all the popular kids from back in the day who barely knew I was alive back then. I've repeatedly been showered with all the "wow, you're so pretty" and "you and your guy make a really good-looking couple" comments as well, especially lately. Without even trying, I've basically already gotten what I would have gone to a reunion to get anyway, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

........

Speaking of doing well and feeling my oats these days, I'm still totally keeping up with my fitness routine and all of my self-care. At this point, I've become very "into" makeup, skincare, and my self-care routine in general. Working out and grooming myself are things that are as much a part of my daily routine as anything else I'd normally do without thinking. It doesn't even occur to me not to do them at this point, so I feel like I can honestly say I've finally accomplished what I've been saying I wanted to for years. 

Now that I'm a full year plus two and a half months into this new routine of mine, the benefits are hard for even me not to notice. I figured I could get my face and hair back to a point where they looked at least passable, but I've far exceeded even my wildest hopes. Thursday will be my 43rd birthday, and I actually look significantly better than I did even in my 30's. In some ways, I look better than I did in my 20's, because I really didn't bother much with skincare or know how to use makeup worth a damn back then. 

I'm starting to see the difference as far as my body too. I stopped weighing myself months ago, because I really didn't think it was serving me or helping me progress toward my goals, but I've lost quite a lot of weight at this point. I'm definitely back into territory I recognize as far as what I weigh and what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm constantly noticing new muscle development, as well as lots of places on my body where things are starting to tighten up and look a lot better. I still have a ways to go before I feel like I have some smoking hot body I want to actually show off anywhere, but I can definitely tell it's right around the corner. 

I've literally never been that before -- someone who "takes care of themselves" and actually works at this sort of thing. I've always understood that I was considered beautiful. A lot of the time, I even thought the same thing. But most of my efforts in this arena were about hiding or downplaying things about my looks that I thought were ugly or gross. I thought of myself as having bad hair, and a weird-looking long face, and boring brown eyes, and an odd pear-shaped body that needed to be completely hidden from the waist down. I'm starting to feel differently now that I'm more focused on taking care of myself and making the most of what I was given. I like that feeling, and I want more of it!