Demons, and Thoughts, and Demons, and Thoughts

I do not, and likely never will understand people. In particular, I don't understand how two-faced they can be. How they can tell you they feel one way about you to your face and then cut you up behind your back when they talk about you in private to others. I used to feel like this was simply a running theme in my own life for reasons I didn't understand -- attracting unusually disloyal people who talk shit about people whenever it suits them, but now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is just a problem with everyone, every person.

And if it is -- that this kind of disloyalty is just human nature -- how seriously should I take it? How much do people mean the things they say about someone they care about when they're busy complaining about them and shitting on them to others? Are they just venting their frustrations to avoid taking it out on the person, or should it be taken as evidence that they don't actually care after all?

To me, that has always been such a serious thing, as well as one of the first signs I felt I had that someone in my life is probably not there for the right reasons and that I should reconsider their continued presence in my life. In many cases, it was the end of my trust in that person, not to mention the beginning of the end of my love for them. I tend to feel like that sort of thing -- how you're discussed when people think you can't hear or won't find out -- is a window into how others truly feel about you, and that you would do well to pay attention to what you learn.

I rarely like what I learn about others when I become privy to such information. I rarely catch them sticking up for me, defending me, or telling others how grateful they are for all I do for them the way they claim to do. It always turns out to be them complaining about me, bitching about the way I am, whining about how much they feel they have to put up with because of me.

I have my beefs with people I care about as well -- things they do that irritate me, ways they behave that I consider disgusting, things they think are OK that absolutely aren't, and even things about them that have made me wonder if I really want my relationship with that person to continue at all. But I don't repeat the details of those things to others. I think it's just such a toxic habit to have, as well as the wrong way to deal with frustrations you have with loved ones... yet others do it all the time to literally everyone and don't seem to think it's a big deal.

I get that I have my shortcomings. But I'm very loyal. Even I don't like every single thing about myself, so I don't expect that from anyone else. I've always been honest with people who matter about where they stand with me though, and they know that I choose to love them, accept them, and continue being my loyal self anyway, even when I'm extremely upset with them. I don't pretend everything's hunky-dory to their faces and then go running to a friend or a family member to whine and talk trash. I don't seem to be able to say that about anyone else. And I really don't know what to do about it. Probably nothing, as there's really nothing to be done that can change what is apparently just bullshit human nature.

It does occur to me that I probably need some personal outlets for my feelings that don't involve other people. I most definitely need to get back to journaling. I spent the vast majority of my life before 30 or so feeling relatively alone and massively undervalued by other people. Journaling always gave me a place to work out what I was feeling anytime I didn't know whether I could trust others to be respectful and accepting of whatever it was I needed to talk about.

I also probably need to get back to having friends of my own that I truly talk to about personal matters. People that are just my friends and not also friends with Seth, or my family, or any other major entities in my life. People that are removed enough from whatever situation that I can count on them to always be on my side. People that like me and accept me, even if it's for no other reason than that they don't really know me that well. For the past almost-fifteen years, I've let my relationship be the sole source of that sort of support, and I probably shouldn't have. I don't think it's good for me, and it's becoming painfully clear that it isn't good for my relationship.

I also really need to get back on track with praying daily, actively talking to God, and turning straight to the Bible when I'm hurt, or frustrated, or don't know what to do. I've let those things lapse lately due to time and energy constraints, and too much of what they used to help me manage is being placed in other hands, when really nothing that ought to be between you and God should be handled that way. Human beings are fallible. They make mistakes, they get angry, they hurt you, and they betray your trust. Maybe not all the time, but they do it. And even occasionally is too often for me.

God never does you like that. God always loves you and always listens patiently to what you have to say. He doesn't go running to Mary or the angels after you're finished so he can go: "Hey, guys. You know that crazy bitch, Shannon? Well, get a load of what she had to say today. Isn't she pathetic, and ridiculous, and awful? I don't know how I put up with her." I need to know that I have someone in my life that I can trust like that, and it's clear that that one person is and always should be God just like the Bible says it should be.

I tried that today. Just praying, talking to God, and using my Bible app to look up verses and devotionals that could help me deal with what I was feeling. Between that and writing this all out here, I do feel a little better. Less hurt. Less alone. I need to make that a habit again, especially on Sundays.

One point that did stick out to me in one of the devotionals I read earlier is that one of the reasons God sometimes allows this sort of hurt in your life is to show you where you're valuing something or someone in your life too highly -- so highly that you're putting it up on a pedestal where only God belongs. It made me realize I've been doing this with a couple of things in my life, but especially my relationship. I need to be better about that in the future and ask God's forgiveness for it.

I also need to be more realistic about other people and the extent to which I trust them or count on them for emotional support. I need to stop simply taking their word for things as well. I need to pay more attention not only to how they really treat others, but to whether or not it gels with how they say they treat others. This lesson keeps coming up in my life, I can't seem to learn it, and I really need to if I ever want that to change.