On Knots, Meatloaf, and Paprikash

It feels nice to be back in the groove as far as super regular prayer and Bible study go. I just plain feel better when I'm making a little time every day to talk to God the way I know I should. Happier, better adjusted. More balanced. Even the worst of my worries and problems seem at least approachable, if not exactly solvable, and that's honestly good enough for me most days.

Earlier this week, I finished a new novena I'd always liked the sounds of, but never actually taken for a spin -- the one to Mary, Undoer of Knots. I really do feel I have issues in my life that I can't seem to overcome no matter how hard I try. Knots that I need help untying. Some of them stem from personal issues, but others have more to do with running themes in my life that I've never been able to escape or even figure out.

The hardest ones for me to deal with are honestly the ones to do with other people, because I have little to no control over what other people think, feel, or are ultimately going to do. So much about the way other people behave and treat others is hurtful to me, and it's made it very hard for me to stay invested in most of my personal relationships on a long-term basis. All someone has to do is hurt me to make me at least consider jettisoning them from my life for good, so I've got a lot of burnt bridges to show for my 43 years on earth. With friends. With partners. With family. If I keep going at that rate, I'll wind up just like my mother by the time I'm her age -- fresh out of people and pretty much alone in the world through my own doing. A person can only get by on their good looks for so long.

Part of what I asked Mary for was more help understanding people and forgiving others for their shortcomings when it makes sense to do so. And when it doesn't make sense to forgive, then help leaving hurt behind and truly moving forward. I do feel like I received a little more clarity there, and I definitely enjoyed spending some time with the Holy Mother. I hope to be less of a stranger to her in the future.

After further praying on some of what I talked about in my last entry and asking God what I could do to make people show me more loyalty and respect in the future, I feel like I was also given a vice to work on a bit -- my tendency to fall back on snobbery when assessing the worth of others, as well as my near constant negative thinking about other people in general. Especially those I see as not being as smart or accomplished as myself.

After a lot of thought, I've come to realize how truly damaging that sort of thing can be. It not only affects other people's reputations and jeopardizes their relationships with others, but it eventually poisons my mind against the person as well, effectively killing my ability to enjoy that connection any further. I'm always talking about how sick I am of other people and how disappointing I find them all. How irritating I find friends and acquaintances whose company I must have enjoyed once. It's finally occurred to me that my tendency to just plain get tired of people probably has more to do with me than it does them. I'm always focusing on how they don't measure up, especially in comparison to myself. Almost never on their good qualities and on the things I genuinely do enjoy about the person.

I'm trying to be better and do better when it comes to how I think about others, as well as how I talk about others. Let me tell you, it's damn hard. Until I started really focusing on this, I don't think I truly realized just how instinctive it had become to constantly rip on other people's looks, or their intelligence, or their lack of personal achievements. (No fucking wonder I don't like anyone!) So I've been consciously challenging myself to think of (or say) something positive about whatever person when I feel that urge, whether that's a friend I follow on social media or an actress in a movie. I think it's helping. I feel a lot more positive and relaxed in general, and I'm hoping it's because I'm constantly trying to put less negativity out there. It's got to add up to less negativity inside.

In other news, I've been making the most of fall lately and cooking up a storm. In particular, I've been having fun recreating tasty dishes inspired by some of my favorite movies, books, and stories. I find projects like that make for wonderful ways to experiment with new ways of doing things or enjoying foods you already like.

This meatloaf I made last night is a great example. It's inspired by Annie Wilkes's unusually delicious homemade meatloaf as served to Paul Sheldon in Misery. In particular, I made sure my meatloaf remained true to this quote from Annie as heard in the movie:

“My secret is I always use fresh tomatoes, never canned, and to give it that extra zip I mix a little Spam with the ground beef!” 

That said, I combined a fork-mashed can of black pepper-style Spam with a pound of ground beef to make sure it was "zippy". I also minced a nice, fresh tomato and added it to the mixture despite really not caring for pieces of tomato mixed into my food, and I'm so glad I did. The tomato really just melted right into the meat mixture, adding flavor and moisture as it did so. Hats off to Annie, because this is probably the best meatloaf I've made personally. Seth gave it rave reviews and definitely wants me to make it again, so I'd call that a success.

I also made and served my very first chicken paprikash for Halloween. Since I've been so into language learning this past year, I thought it might be fun to add Romanian to my rotation as a tribute to Dracula himself, one of my all-time favorite fictional characters. That inevitably led to a developing interest in Eastern European cuisine and a decision to serve paprikash for Halloween dinner (or as I called the dish, papricaș de pui cu usturoi -- Romanian for "chicken paprikash with garlic"). A paprikash-like meal was described by Jonathan Harker in the novel as something he tried on the way to Dracula's castle and loved so much, he wanted to bring the recipe home to Mina.

The pasta I served it over was a special choice as well, and very Halloween appropriate. They're called strozzapreti or "priest stranglers". I heard about those a long time ago when I was researching different pasta shapes for my Italian learning, and I had to have them. I couldn't find them anywhere around here though, so I ordered those from Amazon. They were actually imported from Italy, so I had these wonderful images of little Italian nonnas making them by hand while I was preparing them.

I'm going to try to focus on wonderful things like that more often. Amazing food that tastes like a little piece out of some wonderful story I love. How happy Seth gets when he's served something like that. How proud God must be of me when I focus on the good things in life. With time, it can become instinctive, habitual behavior just like my daily makeup sessions, workouts, and language lessons. Here's hoping!