On Feeling Like the Ghost of a Blogger and a Life Update

Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson in Howards End (1992)

So a word to the wise aspiring writer. Don't take breaks from any of the things you're out there doing to build your brand and get your name around. A little break can so easily turn into a long one, and before you know it, you've lost a lot of the progress you made over all those months you worked so hard. I feel a little thin right now -- like the ghost of a blogger -- and I'm not sure I like it.

Today was the first day in a long while when I haven't needed to spend my entire productive day working on freelance assignments, so I've been attempting to catch up on things like Medium posts, items on my personal to-do list, and social media tasks. Coming back and posting something new to Medium especially felt really weird, and it's clear that I've got my work cut out for me as far as getting my traffic back up where it used to be. The single-digit views on that poor article from earlier were depressing, to say the least.

It felt really good to actually write something for myself again besides entries to my private journal that no one has access to but me, though. It was also nice to spend some time on video lectures, umpteenth watchings of old beloved movies like Howards End, and a little bit of pleasure reading, to boot. (I'm currently reading Their Eyes Were Watching God.) I need more little pockets of time like the ones I enjoyed today, and today was a valuable reminder of that. 

I wasn't going to take a long weekend for President's Day, as I was worried about falling behind at work. But most of my clients are taking it, so I don't have much on my plate right now and may as well take an extra day off, too. When I mentioned that to Seth, he said I need to take better advantage of working for myself and enjoy the same holidays everyone else gets. When he's right, he's right.

The World Has Officially Become Strange in My Absence

I went out the other day. And I don't just mean outside for some fresh air, either. I literally masked up, got in an Uber, and ran an errand before Ubering back home. I've voluntarily done almost everything I need to from home for years at this point, so up until now, I've been able to stay the hell away from the outside world without changing much about my routine. And honestly, I would have been happy to continue that way indefinitely, but I needed to get a new ID and couldn't avoid visiting a DMV field office in person.

The DMV errand went just fine, but holy shit, has the world ever gotten weird in my absence. I'm, of course, well aware of how things have changed since the last time I was out frolicking around, never even having heard of COVID before. I knew what to expect in every way. But this was my first time seeing it all with my actual eyes and experiencing it in person. Seth came with me and also hasn't been out since the pandemic began, so I at least wasn't alone when it came to the perceived weirdness of it all.

It's one thing to know everyone masks up and social distances now, pretty much as a rule. It's another thing to actually visit places I've been to plenty of times before and see people doing it. It was a strangely similar experience to nightmares I've had in the past. In these nightmares, I'd visit places I either knew very well or had found very comforting in the past, but something vital would be wrong with them, suggesting it only looked like I was where I was supposed to be. 

My sense of direction has always been terrible, so getting lost was one of my most persistent childhood fears. When I'm anxious, I still dream about it in various contexts, especially those that suggest I might just have to stay lost forever. So seeing definitive proof that COVID really has touched my town -- the place where I grew up and have lived off and on for most of my life -- was a little strange. I can actually kind of see why so many people have so much trouble accepting this reality and choose to deny it altogether because they don't know what else to do.

On Tax Day, Freelancing, and All the Rest of It

Today was Tax Day, so of course, I was on Turbo Tax today getting my taxes done. I don't know why I always feel the need to wait until actual Tax Day to file my returns. I'd probably be a lot better off being proactive and getting them done in January or February like all the big boys and girls out there. 

I'm guessing it's because taxes are not fun when you're a self-employed person. You pretty much always owe, and I'm like a dragon hoarding its gold when it comes to money, especially these days. I've been very proud of how I've been able to put money in savings, clean up my credit, and all the rest of it over the past few years. It is not easy for me to let large amounts of money go for purposes like taxes, big bills, or unexpected emergency purchases. And I did really well last year -- certainly the best I've done since I started freelancing full time -- so I had to cough up a pretty big wad of change.

I feel better about it than I would have thought, though. In the past, stuff like this used to really piss me off, but I guess at some point over the past decade or two, I actually grew into an emotionally mature adult. I'm more socially astute than I used to be, so there's something I like about knowing I've paid my share toward the money that goes to pave roads, help people in need, and keep society running. I enjoy feeling like a productive, contributing member of society and all that. 

I guess that means I'm officially an old fart, but whatever. It's all good. It's just money. There's a lot more of it where that came from, and I have a lot of faith in my ability to earn more these days. It certainly feels like a load off -- having something I dread as much as I dread doing taxes officially off my plate for another year.