Showing posts with label feast of the wandering pen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feast of the wandering pen. Show all posts

Sunday, May 25, 2025

Writing Myself a Walking Staff

When I first came up with (and participated in) the first-ever cycle of my original Feast of the Wandering Pen challenge a month ago, I didn’t really know where it was going to take me. I just knew I needed something to get me back to writing for myself again, like I used to before my copywriting business blew up. 

A reason to write every day. A reason to keep showing up, even when life felt like a whirlwind of client projects, chores, and distractions.

So I decided to carve out a commitment, like a notch in the bark of a tree. One post a day. No pressure for perfection. No requirements as far as topic, length, or style. Just daily presence and steady forward movement, even if keeping up only meant posting a few sentences on certain days.

At first, it didn’t feel like I was doing anything special beyond creating a good habit I hoped would stick. But then something shifted. 

Slowly, day by day, I started to feel steadier, and the writing itself eventually started to feel like something I could lean on. I found myself constantly coming up with ideas for new posts, finding inspiration in everything from movies I put on in the background while I worked to everyday conversations with Seth or friends online.

A Staff Built from Small Choices

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was writing myself a walking staff. Not a literal one, of course, but something symbolic, solid, and supportive all the same. Each day I chose to write — even when I didn’t particularly feel like it, even when I felt like I had nothing to say — I showed up and added to what I was building. A bit of bark here. A twist of leather there. Occasionally, even a new groove or two in the wood for flare.

The staff slowly grew from repetition and quiet persistence. Some days my contributions were made of tea and incense. Other days, mental exhaustion and more cussing than I should probably admit to. But every time I showed up for it, it showed up for me in turn.

The funny part is that none of that really hit me until today, the last day of the challenge. 

This morning, I pulled a card from my Green Witch Oracle deck as part of my morning reading. It was the same card that showed up not long ago in another reading –– the Walking Staff card. But it landed with a different kind of weight, since I knew I'd be posting my last Wandering Pen entry within hours. This time, I felt like it was saying, "Yes. You did this. You built something real."

Saturday, May 24, 2025

What Happens When You Outgrow Your Own Mythology

There’s a strange kind of grief that arrives when the story you once told about yourself — your guiding myth — no longer fits. Especially when it wasn’t just any story, but the story. The one you poured into poems or blogs or old journal entries by the bucketful. The one that helped you survive, make sense of the chaos, and eventually form a self that felt real.

It starts the day you finally go back and revisit it, usually through old personal writing or artwork. You re-read the essay, re-open the journal, pull up the old blog post. And it hits you. You don’t live there anymore.

The Myths We Write Ourselves Into

Whether we think we do or not, we all have personal myths. They're the stories we cobble together to explain to others (and sometimes ourselves) who we are, why we are, and what we think we’re made of. And they can be based on memories, emotions, trauma, and whatever scraps of meaning we can find to sew the whole mess together. 

Although your mileage may vary, my personal myths always sounded a lot like:

  • "I'm the forthright, loyal person who always puts others first."
  • "I'm the survivor who's been through a lot and stubbornly survived."
  • "I am the misunderstood artist no one ever truly sees."

Those myths can be empowering or limiting. Often, they’re both. Even painful myths can be strangely comforting when they give us structure, identity, or purpose in a world that so often leaves us feeling like we have none. They help us navigate the world. They help us feel known, at least to ourselves.

But what I didn't realize way back when I wrote my personal mythology in the first place is that myths are meant to evolve. And when they don’t, they start to limit us instead of holding us. 

When the Old Archetypes Stop Fitting

I recently re-read something I wrote about four years ago or so –– a Medium essay called All the Dead Darlings I Used to Be. I wrote it for a contest going on at the time, and although it never picked up traction (and certainly didn't win the contest), it remains one of my favorite pieces of writing I've ever shared online.

It was raw and emotional and beautifully true at the time. A kind of tribute to some of the past selves I’d shed over the years –– the Dead Darlings, as I called them. Each one named (after their ages at the time) and carefully laid to rest. Each one a little story I’d carried with me over the years, each one a chapter in the big, moth-eaten bible of me.

Friday, May 23, 2025

The Soundtrack of Right Now: 5 Songs I've Been Grooving to Lately

I almost always listen to music in the mornings to help wake my mind up and get my blood flowing. But today’s soundtrack isn’t just background noise.

It’s a living, breathing presence in the room with me. It's flowing into my ears through the Cali Roots Festival live stream on YouTube, and also on the wind through my open window, as we're lucky enough to live just down the street from the venue.

We call that specific phenomenon “music on the wind” in this house. A beautiful proximity gift that makes us feel like the sky itself is humming a tune we know by heart. 

There’s something especially magical about these kinds of days. Not because anything profound is happening, but because sometimes the right soundtrack leaves your entire environment vibrating in harmony. The incense smoke is curling upward at just the right angle. The sky outside is striking a perfect balance of sunny and cloudy. 

Summer's not officially here yet, but you can tell it's just down the street and around the corner. And the free concert is reminding me of how important the music I love really is to me. Today, yes, but also every day. On that note, here are five songs (and their spirits) that feel especially like me lately. 

1. "Home" - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros


If my personal version of grounded joy were a song, it would probably be this one. It's the kind of song that makes you sway without meaning to. Feet rooted, spirit light. You don’t need to get up. You just feel better because it’s playing. Spotify often tosses it onto some of my curated walking-themed and "happy" playlists, and it always has a way of playing at exactly the right time.

Thursday, May 22, 2025

Some Things Arrive Before We're Ready

So, there’s this tarot deck in my office that I didn’t actually touch for almost two years.

It’s beautiful — mythic, even. Every card depicts a folktale, legend, myth, or fairytale from a different part of the world. It’s called Tarot of the Divine, and it arrived mysteriously at my door one day like something from a dream. No note, no explanation. Just a sudden appearance a couple of weeks after a brief but meaningful interaction with a wonderful soul from one of my art groups.

I've always liked the deck, and if you truly know me, it's not hard to see why. I've been passionate about mythology, folk tales, and fairy stories ever since I was a little girl, so I never doubted that this deck belonged with me. And yet, every time I went to pull cards after getting back into the habit a few months ago, I'd always reach for another deck instead. I couldn't have told you why. 

Sure, I had other decks I was more familiar with, ones that felt easier to read or more aligned with my daily rhythms. But over time, it became clear that something else was going on. 

Some part of me –– and perhaps also the deck itself –– was waiting for the right time to make the connection. That right time turned out to be today.

I Pulled Three Cards This Morning

The Star. The Wheel of Fortune. The King of Wands. A welcome combination, as you know, if you also read tarot. It felt like opening a sealed envelope I didn’t know I’d been carrying and finding a blessing inside.

The Star was hope. The Wheel, timing. The King of Wands, a mirror of the self I’ve been slowly becoming –– visionary, lit from within, and unapologetically present. It felt like the deck knew something I didn’t and had been holding it for me until I was ready to hear it.

The Things That Wait With Us

For a long time, I felt like I was ignoring this poor, beautiful deck. (Major guilt feelings, considering it was most likely a gift from someone who apparently saw something in me that I didn't see in myself yet.) But today, I realized it wasn't like that at all.

I think I was actually honoring it, without even realizing it. 

Some objects come into your life as witnesses, not tools. They watch. They wait. They carry weight before they ever speak up and ask to be used. In other words, some things arrive before we’re ready, so they'll be available the minute we are.

They patiently grow roots in the corners of our lives and make themselves quietly at home while we're busy focusing on deadlines and chores. And when the day comes that we finally turn to them — when the right energy moves, or the fog lifts, or the inner gate swings open — they’re already there.

Waiting. Not impatient. Not resentful. Just wonderfully ready when we are.

The Sacred In-Between

I’ve had a lot of “almosts” over the years, more than I honestly want to admit to. Almost started that project. Almost told that truth. Almost believed in myself fully, instead of partially. And I think I assumed that those spaces in between were failures — lost time, wasted energy.

But lately, I’ve started seeing those in-between phases as sacred waiting rooms instead.

That mysterious deck full of magic and fairytales sat untouched for an embarrassingly long time, not because I didn’t want it or love it, but because I wasn’t yet the person meant to use it. And now that I am, it’s not just a tool. It’s a reminder that spiritual timing has nothing to do with urgency and everything to do with readiness.

What We're Ready to Hold

I used to think my insistence on waiting until I felt ready for things was really just avoidance. (Toxic childhood conditioning at its finest!) But I've realized that it's actually something else. My way of demonstrating faith, maybe? The kind of faith that says, "I trust that the time will come. And when it does, I’ll be ready."

So today, I used the deck and received a wonderful reading that set a beautiful tone for my day. I'd even go so far as to say it felt like a door swung open on a story that had been unfolding quietly for years. A fairytale of my own, maybe, like the kind I always imagined myself one day living out when I was still little.

Some truths only speak when you stop demanding they arrive on schedule. Some magic doesn’t sparkle at all until you sit still long enough to feel it burning in your hands. And if you’ve got something sitting on your own shelf, waiting? Maybe today’s the day to touch it.


* Another apple in the basket for the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a month-long exercise in showing up and making way for the ideas that show up with me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

What I Make When I'm Not Trying to Impress Anyone

At dinner last night, Seth and I had one of those conversations that really linger. The kind where you find yourself still turning it over in your mind the next day, like a stone you can’t stop touching. 

We were talking about creativity, specifically how freeing it can feel to create outside of the intention to impress anyone else. Not your audience. Not your peers. Not even yourself, but simply for its own sake. It reminded me of what it was like to be a kid, long before I knew a damn thing about coolness, trends, or social media algorithms. 

I didn’t wonder whether something I wanted to make was worth my time or care whether I had permission from the right people to do it in the first place. I just made things. And then sometimes I showed them to other people with unshakeable pride, never even considering that they might not think it was any good.

Bad poetry. Weird Lincoln Log creations. Silly stories about my toys that almost certainly contained way too many references to farts and burps. A set of homemade mini-books about my family and friends, hand-illustrated and lovingly "bound" with construction paper and staples. They were definitely the creations of a little kid still figuring life out. And they were glorious.

Naturally, I wouldn't submit a childhood story full of fart jokes to a literary journal today or expect an award for the god-awful poem I wrote about my purple digital bedside clock when I was ten years old. But those creations still stick in my mind today because of the sheer creative joy I felt while making them. 

Somewhere along the way, most of us lose that. And that's a real shame.

How the Fear Creeps In

As children, most of us are just like I used to be –– energetic, bright-eyed little people who create simply because it feels good. Or because we have something to express and don’t yet know how to hold it in (or see why we should try). If an adult liked what we made, it was a bonus. But it was never the point.

Then adolescence arrives with its comparisons and self-consciousness. Later, adulthood adds even more pressure to the whole sordid mess. Can this make money? Is this good enough to share? Am I still relevant? Why even bother when the internet is already littered with other people's art, essays, songs, and opinions?

The impulse to create gets all tangled up in the desire to matter. Before we know it, we've become people who need our work to be beautiful, interesting, and true, but also seen. Liked. Heartily approved of. Maybe even purchased. And while none of those desires are inherently wrong, they can easily crowd out the spark that made someone want to create in the first place.

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

7 Things I've Promised Myself (and Sometimes Forget)

I'm realizing that I’ve made a lot of silent promises to myself over the years. Some were whispered in moments of grief, others after quiet triumphs I didn’t care to tell anyone about at the time. They weren't anything serious or formal, but they still mattered. 

They were the small, private agreements I made with myself to survive, stay true to what I believe in, and to become someone I can be proud to be in the future. Some of these I kept without even realizing it. Others I forgot completely until life reminded me, sometimes with a little more force than I'd have liked. 

But lately I’ve been feeling the pull to remember these promises. To sit with them, to look at the shape of the life they’ve helped to build over the years, and maybe recommit to a few that have fallen by the wayside.

1. I promised myself I'd always write, even if no one was reading

Over the years, writing has been so much more than just a hobby or even a profession to me. It's also how I survive, process things, and connect with parts of myself that don’t respond the same way to anything else. 

That's what writing was about for me when I was still just a kid. And although it's not always easy to balance that with client deadlines, it's important to me to stay in touch with why I originally wanted to be a writer in the first place.

2. I promised I wouldn't shrink to make other people more comfortable

Because I’ve done it before. We all have. And it never leads anywhere good. I don't owe other people anything, certainly not the exact type of relationship they'd like to have with me. But I owe myself a few things, especially wholeness. That means making space for the less palatable parts of myself, along with everything else.

Monday, May 19, 2025

What I Share, What I Don't, and Why

Today is one of those days I'm getting to my daily reflection later rather than sooner, but that's OK. Dinner’s done. The last of the light faded away behind the trees for the night some time ago. 

I’m back indoors after a hot mushroom coffee, thinking about what a challenge it can be to balance being open, real, and whole, while also remaining a deeply private person. As always, I'm two different things at once.

The Pressure to Be Transparent

As a writer, especially one who fell in love with words through diary-keeping as a kid, I’m used to using my life as raw material for the things I create. If something hits me hard, I'll probably look for a way to write about it. If I notice a pattern, I use writing to break it down and see what else I can turn it into. 

I write to figure things out and find meaning in things that otherwise wouldn’t make much sense. But there’s a difference between writing from life, because that's what works for me, and handing something vital over on a silver platter for public consumption.

I'm not about completely spilling my guts, but I care about being authentic and helping others around me become more comfortable with their own authenticity. And the older I get, the more I realize it really doesn't have to be one or the other –– either holding it all in or way oversharing. There's definitely a middle ground there, and I'm getting better at staying there.

Not Everything Needs to Be Shared

Since starting my Substack newsletter, The Writer in the Wild, I’ve been thinking more about what it means to write publicly with intention. Especially as I try to shape that new space into something useful, something that helps people reconnect with their creativity and feel at home in their own writing lives.

That being the case, I'm grappling with the usual questions. How personal is too personal? How much do people even want to know about my non-writing life, and how much do I want to tell them in the first place? I know I'll eventually strike a solid balance, because I always do, but there's always a lot of back and forth I go through before I get there.

Writing from the Inside Out

All things considered, being honest doesn't necessarily mean putting every detail of what you want to talk about down on the page. You just have to tell the truth about what you do put there. That’s something I've been working hard at lately — not just as a writer, but as someone trying to show up in public spaces more authentically and intentionally. 

One of the ways I check in with myself is to ask, "Am I sharing this to be understood? Or am I sharing because I want to feel edgy, daring, or just plain validated?" 

I don’t want to use writing as a mirror, or at least not anymore. I'd much rather use it as a window — something I can look through and through which others can look back without losing their own reflection in the process. The work already knows what to say. I just have to trust it.

So, if you’re in the process of writing your own truth — whether it’s on a blog, in a notebook, or maybe even just in your imagination while doing the dishes after dinner — I hope you know you don’t owe anyone the whole story. Just focus on the part that feels ready and wants to be known. And if all you write today is one honest sentence to yourself, that’s more than enough.


* Another brick in the wall for the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a movable celebration all about showing up no matter what.

Sunday, May 18, 2025

The Sacred Perimeter: 7 Lessons I've Learned from Salt

I keep a little wooden container of blessed sea salt next to my computer. Some mornings, I add a pinch to my first bottle of water of the day. It's just a quick personal ritual, but it still helps shift the energy and start the productive part of my day on the right foot. 

Other times, salt crosses my mind while cooking dinner. I think about how it's the one spice nearly every dish needs at least a little of to taste right. Yet you rarely think about it being there. When someone loves what you cooked and goes, "Yum, what's in this?" you usually don't even think to mention salt.

Salt isn't flashy or exotic. But it's always necessary. You don't always think about it, especially if it's present in a stabilizing, balanced way. But you certainly notice when it's missing.

It even showed up in my daily divination session this morning when I pulled the Salt card from one of my oracle decks. A perfect match. Because lately, salt has felt like more than an ingredient or a tool. It’s felt like a symbol of everything I’m learning about setting and maintaining boundaries, especially the kind that don’t necessarily need to shout to be heard.

So here are a few of those truths. Lessons from salt about boundaries worth preserving.

1. Salt draws a circle, not a line

It's taken me a long time to realize boundaries aren’t truly walls so much as they’re circles of protection. You draw a line to keep people out. But a circle invites what is sacred and beneficial to step inside, while keeping the rest in its own lane where it belongs. Salt taught me that a boundary can be generous and protective at the same time.

2. Salt preserves what matters

Before refrigeration, people used salt to preserve food. It held our nourishment in a state of stillness and safety until the right time to eat it finally came. I think some parts of us need temporary preservation, too, especially parts like unspoken dreams and painful griefs we're not sure anyone else would understand. Salt knows how to keep it all safe until you're ready to unpack it and find a use for it.

Saturday, May 17, 2025

A Soft Thing Worth Protecting: Reflections on the Value of Empathy

As a relatively private person, there's a lot of myself I don't openly share. Not because those parts are shameful or broken, but because they’re delicate and too often misunderstood.

One of those parts has always been my sense of empathy. That's the part of me that has always listened too closely, noticed too much, and felt absolutely everything all the way down to the bone. It’s also the part I’ve learned to hide, shield, and sometimes even deny to survive in a world that increasingly treats gentleness as a liability.

But here’s what no one tells you. Kindness and justice aren’t actually opposites. Neither are softness and strength. 

The Myth of "Too Sensitive"

From an early age, I've been the kind of person who cries over movies and senses shifts in people’s moods long before they actually open their mouths and speak. Sometimes I deeply felt guilt or grief that weren't even my own, but I was also astute enough to realize that other people didn't have these intense reactions to things. 

For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. I believed people when they told me I was “too sensitive" and took things “too personally.” I didn't yet understand that what they were really saying was, "Your softness makes me uncomfortable, and your empathy holds up a mirror I’m not ready to look into." 

And sometimes what they meant was closer to, "Your brand of softness makes it harder for me to control you, and I don't like that." Narcissists and opportunists have always been drawn to my openness and kindness. But when they tried to take advantage of me, I saw through it. If they hurt me, there were consequences instead of a truly clean slate, especially as I got older and more self-aware. 

Narcissists, abusers, and opportunists make life hard, so I eventually did what so many empathetic people do. I buried my empathy and built walls around my kindness. I learned to present something sharper, more prickly, and harder to reach — a version of me people were less likely to exploit, manipulate, or test.

But I never truly lost my softness. I just hid it behind the door until I figured out what to do with it. And I eventually came to understand that it was never the problem or even a shortcoming. It was actually the part of me most worth protecting all along.

Friday, May 16, 2025

Simple Meals, Simpler Living: What Bread and Butter Can Teach Us


It was just a can of lentil stew I had sitting around. Just a little butter on a slice of sourdough from a loaf I bought the other day, plus a few walnuts and a slice or two of fresh mozzarella to round things out. (No meat, because it's Friday –– a Catholic tradition I adopted years ago and held onto because it still serves me.)

It was the simplest possible lunch I could have made for myself on a weekday afternoon while trying to figure out what was next for my day –– nothing special. But I felt like making it into something more than just scraps and leftovers with a dash or two of intention. Not a gourmet meal by any means, but a deliberate one.

So, instead of absentmindedly cramming my food into my mouth while I continued to work, I lit a stick of pine incense, put on an old episode of Outlander, and took a moment to appreciate the grey overcast cloudiness outside while I ate instead. That choice changed everything and helped the rest of my afternoon play out better.

Simple Doesn't Mean Lesser (or Lazy)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about simplicity, and not just when it comes to food. But also my creative work and how I structure my days. I've been considering all the different ways people try to keep up with a world that never stops demanding more, faster, louder. There’s this pressure, especially online, to make everything into a big production. To over-engineer the sacred, over-style the beautiful, and turn even lunch into content.

But sometimes, the most nourishing thing we can do is return to something unremarkable instead, allowing it to be enough. 

Simplicity is so often mistaken for lack. A meal that isn’t Instagram-worthy is proof we didn’t even try. A short blog post means we didn’t give a shit. A walk taken without tracking our steps must mean we weren’t committed to our health that day.

But real simplicity takes presence and restraint. It takes the ability to know when something is already enough.

Thursday, May 15, 2025

The Butterfly Is Watching: Dream Realities and Strange Watchers

Earlier, I was rewatching the wonderful Hugh Grant film Heretic while finishing up a client assignment. I found my imagination lingering on the moment Mr. Reed brings up Zhuangzi’s butterfly dream — the ancient Daoist anecdote where a man dreams he's a butterfly, only to wake and wonder if perhaps he’s actually a butterfly dreaming he's a man. 

It’s a simple story on the surface, but it echoes in a way that’s hard to shake. Especially at this point in my life.

As I sometimes do when watching movies, I also started messing around on Midjourney and quickly wound up with a series of surreal butterflies on my hands. 

One in particular stayed with me — dark, elegant wings speckled with pale bands, and at its center a single, all-seeing eye. Not painted or decorative but real, watching, and sentient. That eye made me feel like I wasn’t just looking at the butterfly. It was also looking back at me from God only knows where.

Zhuangzi’s dream isn’t about confusion 

It’s about reality as a question and a concept, not a conclusion. We tend to think of life in absolutes –– waking vs. sleeping, real vs. unreal, human vs. non-human. But what if those categories aren’t as fixed as they've always seemed? What if a dream isn’t the opposite of life, but simply another expression of it?

What if some part of us — the part that just might be ancient, instinctive, unblinking — is always dreaming?

The butterfly from my render feels reflective of that part of me. Not the transitory flicker of beauty most people associate with transformation, but something older. It's a witness, a seer. Maybe it's even one of the animal guides I've been thinking so much about lately.

Lately, I feel like I’m standing between two worlds

One of these worlds I'm all too familiar with. It's the one that asks for resumes, recommends routines, and demands hard proof of absolutely everything. It only asks me to show up — not to shine, not to share, not to become. But I have so much more to bring than just presence. 

I find that world disorienting and always have. 

Then there are the days I have time to write in a trance or contemplate the bigger mysteries of life. When I'm lucky, the right words come from somewhere that doesn’t feel like me –– the second world. 

Returning from that world feels like haunting my own house, drifting through rooms that no longer recognize me.

So when I see an image like this butterfly with its wings stretched wide while it watches from a place beyond time, it feels like a message. Or maybe just a reminder. Is some other version of me dreaming this life? And if so, why this life and this imagery? 

In spiritual work, there’s a concept called the “watcher self"

This is the version of you that observes your thoughts without attachment. Maybe that’s the butterfly. The one who flits from realm to realm, unbothered by binaries like truth or illusion, because it no longer believes in them. That butterfly knows both its wings belong to the same body.

Or maybe the butterfly is God. Or the soul. Or the quiet hum of consciousness itself, resting on a branch we can’t quite reach. Maybe the dream is just as important as the waking. Maybe they need each other because they only exist in contrast to one another. Maybe they are each other.

Maybe it doesn’t matter. 


* This freewriting exercise is part of this month's incarnation of the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a lunar deep dive into identity and self-expression in all their many forms.

Wednesday, May 14, 2025

When Time Stops Pretending It Was Gentle


The funny thing about aging is that you never actually feel time pass. You feel the things that occupy your consciousness for the most part, instead –– love, frustration, desire, and fatigue. You feel small but important details, like your favorite meals, the way your hair still won't behave in the humidity, and the weight of your favorite jacket on your shoulders. 

Then one day, you open a photo album or an old digital folder. You're instantly given pause. If you were a character in a movie, this is totally the moment where you'd hear that record scratch noise. 

Because a photo does a lot more than just show you what you looked like at a particular point in time. It shows you what you used to be... and it shows you what you no longer are, as well. You may see shades of who you’ve grown into and what you’ve had to let go of to get where you are. You remember the hopes you had in that moment that didn’t quite play out. The joy you didn’t realize you radiated. The pain you masked with a smile you now recognize as a little too careful.

That’s the strange power of still images in action. In a way, they actually collapse time. You go from experiencing subtle, unnoticeable change on a day-to-day basis to staring straight into the unfiltered truth of who you once were. And suddenly, all that change feels immediate. It's sharp, and sometimes even a little cruel.

My mother reminded me of an old photo from my 20s a while ago

It was from when I first got together with my partner 20 years ago, and just the experience of looking at it felt weird. It made me realize that while I reflect on my 20s a lot, I rarely actually see them with total clarity.

But there she was in the picture –– a completely different version of me, even though I would have told you five minutes before that moment that I hadn't changed that much. 

The hair I've always dyed red was five shades darker, because the hair underneath hadn't gone white yet. I hadn't truly noticed it getting lighter over the years because of the dye, but it really had. My skin was smoother, and my eyes were brighter. I definitely wished I were still as "fat" now as I know I thought I was back then. 

But what struck me most wasn’t what was different physically. It was more the emotional differences I knew were there by looking at things like my posture and my facial expression.

There was a kind of unearned certainty in Other Shannon's face. An undamaged expectation that life would be fair, and decent, and good from then on, because that's what the movies tell you is supposed to happen when you're young, smart, and pretty. She was totally confident that some big, beautiful future was not only possible, but inevitable. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Notes from the Wolf: A Survivor's Guide to Manipulators

They say a wolf in sheep’s clothing is someone dangerous pretending to be harmless. But here’s the truth you won’t hear in Sunday school or in any of the pop culture clichés littering the digital landscape these days. 

Some wolves wear sheep suits not to deceive, but to survive.

I’ve done it. (Maybe you have, too.) Not because I was a predator who was hiding bad intentions, but because I was surrounded by people who only tolerated softness, compliance, and silence. 

These were people who recoiled from the sharp glint of instinct. Those people didn’t want to love me as they should have. They wanted to train me, so maybe I'd be useful to them later.

So I learned to blend in, because that's what you do when you're still just a kid who's still wholly reliant on others for literally everything. But blending in never made me forget who I was. Here are a few things I learned during my anxiety-ridden formative years zipped inside the fleece.

1. Decent people don't associate healthy boundaries with cruelty


If you know someone who does this, you're likely already nodding along. They're the type who respond to even the most polite “no” like you just ran over their grandmother without even stopping to apologize. Then they cry, sulk, lash out, guilt-trip. That's emotional manipulation at its finest, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

People who pull this hot nonsense aren't doing it because they're truly hurt or confused. They’re carefully testing the waters to see just how much guilt it will take to get you to give them their way.

2. No amount of softness will change a narcissist

Narcissists respond to empathy the way sharks respond to blood in the water. They don't smell your kindness and see someone worth loving, admiring, or appreciating. They see a potential energy cache to be taken advantage of at will.

So they play the victim and plead for grace. Then they bite the very hand that offered it the second they think they can get away with it. I used to think I could "nice" my way to a better relationship with people like these and maybe teach them a better way to be.

Spoiler alert. They're simply not capable of it, but they'll happily take as much "nice" as you're willing to dish out before you finally see the light.

Monday, May 12, 2025

What I Wish I Believed About Money (And What I'm Learning Instead)

I've always had to worry about money and think about it way more than I'd like. It's also always managed to elude me, so it's never been the neutral force in my life that it should have been. 

Instead, the concept of money has felt loaded right from the beginning. Emotional. Moral. Personal. 

My potential earning power and job title were literally all that ever mattered about me to my parents, even when I was little. For that reason, it's always been hard to separate the number in my bank account from how I feel about myself as a human being. Not because I think money should define worth, but because the world around me often acts like it does.

I wish I believed instead that money was just energy, the way some people do. That it's normal for it to flow like breath or water — sometimes abundant, sometimes scarce, but never personal. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still working on that (and often failing miserably).

But I'm learning that when we stop viewing money as an emotional verdict, we can start seeing it as a tool instead. A neutral current. A resource to work with, not beg for and judge yourself because of. If you’re struggling to see it that way, too, you may relate to some of what I'm about to say.

I Wish I Felt Allowed to Want Money

Like many people raised without a safety net or a proper support system, I’ve been conditioned to believe there's something wrong with wanting money. Suffering, working yourself too hard for too little, and being satisfied with that is virtuous. Being unwilling to quietly settle for what life (and those around you) have decided you deserve is ingratitude and perhaps even entitlement.

But the truth is, I don’t want piles of money so I can lord it over other people while the world falls apart around me.

I want it so I can breathe easier, sleep more deeply, and give more freely. I want to be able to say "yes" to beauty, travel, generosity, and creativity without feeling guilty for doing so. I want to be that person who can afford to bless a waitress or an Instacart shopper with a $500 tip. And yes, it would be nice to finally stop white-knuckling life for a change.

If you’re also struggling with guilt over wanting more, ask yourself, “What would having more allow me to do, feel, or create?” If you're anything like me, a lot of what comes immediately to mind is probably pretty wholesome. Regardless, there's no shame in wanting your needs to be met. And there's no merit in denying those needs because someone else told you to at one point or another in your life, either.

Sunday, May 11, 2025

Fine China and Swine

They said she was mad.

Not with any sentiment as dark as malice, or at least not exactly. They just used that tongue-clucking, tilted-head tone people use when someone stops playing by the rules. When someone removes the lace from the curtains and starts growing wildflowers instead of roses.

“She actually used to be... sort of normal,” the butcher muttered to the baker. “She taught piano. Had that shy, quiet little husband who sold shoes. What was his name again?”

They no longer exactly remember, and maybe that was always the point.

She didn't take much when she left the house on Hazel Street. Just her books, her perfume, and three heavy trunks of clothes she hadn’t worn in years — gowns she once called “ridiculous” and now called “essential.” She also took a single teacup with a crack in it and a chipped plate shaped like a scallop shell. 

She left the wedding china. She'd never actually wanted it anyway.

The farmhouse was already hers, an inheritance from a great-aunt no one remembered. It sat just past the willow grove, just down a little dusty dirt road that likely hadn’t seen a carriage in half a century. The house was crooked, and the roof leaked in four different places. Sometimes crows congregated on the roof after a storm, looking for wayward bugs and other prizes. It was perfect.

The pigs came with the land.

They were half-feral and vaguely pink, with beady dark eyes like muddy marbles. At first, she only watched them from the window, wary. But then one day, she noticed they had been watching her, too, in that way animals do when they know something about you that you don’t yet know yourself. First, she fed them. Then, she talked to them, tentatively and quietly. Then, she danced with them in the golden hour, as it seemed like the most appropriate time for such goings-on.

“They say I’m mad,” she told them one evening, reclining on the grass in a dress the color of old, dried blood. “But the truth is, I’m just finished.”

And she was. She was finished apologizing for her voice, her laugh, and her hunger for all sorts of exciting things. Finished folding herself into half-measures and polite silences. She was definitely finished saying "thank you" when what she really wanted to say was "don’t touch me."

The pigs didn’t answer, but one of them placed a gentle snout in her lap in a silent show of support. That was enough.

The townspeople took to whispering when they passed her gate. She never locked it, because she didn’t have to, because no one dared go past the willow trees. “She feeds them by hand,” someone whispered. “I hear she even lets them into the house,” hissed another. One woman claimed she saw candles in every window, all lit at once, like a séance or a wedding was going on inside. Maybe even something worse.

“She’s always alone,” the grocer’s wife said. “Except for the pigs.”

That part was true.

But she liked being alone. (For now, anyway.) She liked the silence of wide rooms with no one in them who was asking her to shrink for no good reason. She could light all the candles she wanted simply because it pleased her. She wore perfume because it made her feel like a badly-kept secret. She poured red wine or Earl Grey tea into fine china and sat on the porch at dusk, surrounded by soft oinks and rich golden light while crows squawked in the distance.

Sometimes she laughed. Loud, unfiltered laughter that rose through the trees and made birds scatter. “She was always a little touched,” the librarian said. “Even before the divorce.” No one ever mentions what happened to the husband. Not anymore.

But occasionally, someone swears they saw him at the edge of the grove once. They say he had mud on his cuffs and a nasty scratch down one cheek. His eyes were wide and startled like someone who had seen a ghost that looked an awful lot like regret.

No one asked questions. No one really wanted answers. Meanwhile, she lived.

She embroidered things that didn’t really need embroidery, just because. She read poetry to the pigs. She bathed beneath the stars, unashamed. Sometimes she wore the crown she made from rusted nails and ivy and laughed like a woman who finally understood the joke.

They said she was mad.

But the pigs followed her everywhere, and the wind listened when she felt like talking. And every time she raised her cracked teacup to the setting sun, the whole world paused, just for a second, to see what she would do next.


* This freewriting exercise is part of the full moon edition of the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a lunar-centric writing challenge about consistency, creativity, and storytelling.

Saturday, May 10, 2025

I Didn't Steal This Joy, I Earned It

If there's one thing I really miss about childhood, it's how experiencing pure, unadulterated joy felt so effortless. I knew what it was without needing to name it. It also felt natural –– something I could count on defaulting to instead of having to fight for it.

I think I felt this most when my dad would take my brother and me to the beach for the afternoon. The ocean seemed like it went on forever, and I played for what felt like hours. I'd dig my toes into the wet sand, letting the cold water chase my feet and retreat again. I'd spend hours building woefully deficient sandcastles or searching tidepools for sea anemones and tiny crabs.

I wasn’t ever worried about what came next. I wasn’t afraid of anyone watching me. I wasn’t trying to be good. I wasn’t afraid of being bad. I just was, and it was amazing.

I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since, and I'd be lying if I said that hasn't shaped the arc of my life. That quiet, open sense of being safe inside my own body. Of being allowed to take up space, feel the sun on my skin, and just exist without shame, fear, or apology.

And lately, after many years and more healing than I ever thought I needed, I’ve recaptured the ability to feel this way again. Not every moment or about everything. Not even every day, but certainly often enough that I've noticed it. But here’s the strange thing. When it finally showed up after years of wishing and searching, I didn’t embrace it like the long-lost friend it was. 

I mistrusted it, completely and thoroughly.

There's a certain guilt that settles in when life is good

And by good, I definitely don't mean perfect or even relatively free of complications. (My childhood wasn't like that, and neither is my adult life.) I mean, you actually have enough space to catch your breath when you need to. Things are good enough that your nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s on high alert 24/7. You may even feel safe at times.

But if you're anything like me, that moment can be followed by something unexpected. A little voice that whispers, "Are you allowed to feel this good, though? Did you really earn this peace?"

It’s a sneaky kind of self-doubt –– that subtle fear that the other shoe is about to drop, you’ve cheated the system somehow, and now the peace cops are coming for you. But over time, I’ve started to realize something important. 

There's no rule that says you have to earn joy by suffering first. But if you have suffered? Then yes, you’ve earned every damn second of peace you find afterward.

So, if you're also going through a season where you've finally managed to find even a little bit of peace or joy in your life, but also struggle to embrace it? This is for you.

Friday, May 9, 2025

A Place at the Table

There’s a certain kind of waiting that doesn’t come with a countdown. There's no circled date on the calendar to count down to. No confirmation email. There won't eventually be a light knock on the front door to let you know it’s finally arrived.

Instead, it’s the kind of waiting that feels like static under the skin — like a faint humming in the walls. And though you don’t know what you’re waiting for exactly, you do know you’re waiting. You know it the way you know rain is coming, even if the sky is still clear and blue.

I feel like I've been on a first-name basis with that kind of waiting lately. I'm not waiting for a person. I'm not expecting a package (or at least not currently). But I know I'm waiting for something. I just can't name it or identify it.

Sometimes I think I hear it. There are soft footsteps in the distance and maybe even the rustle of a hem brushing the ground. So I’ve lit the candles. I’ve cracked the window. I’ve tidied up the space around me to the best of my ability, the way people do when company’s coming.

This kind of waiting doesn’t look like much from the outside. On the inside, it's a different story. It's present when my dreams shift tone, color, and content overnight. It has an invisible hand that directs my attention toward certain books, songs, and vibes.

Sometimes I think it has a scent, as well. Some days, that scent is a mixture of ozone and rose petals. Other days, maybe almond and salt.

Whatever it is, it lingers in the corners of the room and settles into the folds of the day. It inspires me to light a second stick of incense –– not because the first wasn’t enough, but because something just plain wants more smoke in the air. A thicker veil between what already is and what still might be if I keep still enough for long enough.

I'm trying not to name the unknown thing too soon. I’ve made that mistake before and decided too early what a thing must be, only to discover it was something else entirely. Sometimes, it's something better, or stranger, or softer. Sometimes it turns out to be something not meant for me after all, leaving me disappointed and deflated.

So this time I'm trying to exercise patience and presence. And the kind of faith that doesn’t need to be told what’s coming to justify leaving the light on for it, just in case it shows up in the middle of the night.

Thankfully, I also feel like there's something sacred about preparing for what hasn’t yet arrived. Setting the table for someone who may or may not come. Choosing the best dishes in preparation for a coming celebration. Folding the napkins. Lighting the good candles.

Maybe that’s what this particular type of waiting really is. A quiet honoring of possibility, and maybe even a form of devotion. To the next season of my life and to the version of myself that’s still out there somewhere, trying to find the door. I don’t know her name yet, but I want her to feel welcome.

I think that’s why I’ve been moving slower, listening harder, refusing to fill the silence just for the sake of making noise like so many other people out there do. There’s a certain peace in the spaces between things, and I want to make sure I hear what she has to say when she finally sits down.

So I keep doing the small, quiet things that feel like invitations –– writing down dreams even when they make no sense, walking circles in the garden at 11 o'clock in the morning, whispering yes into the flame when no one is around.

Because something is coming. And whatever it is, I don’t want to miss it because I was too busy trying to define it. So I wait. And I stay lit. And I write, because that’s my way of keeping the door ajar.


* Another candle lit on the table for the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a lunar journey through creative reflection in all its many forms.

Thursday, May 8, 2025

She Sees Everything: A Reflection Inspired by Beau Is Afraid

Some horror –– if that is indeed the right word –– doesn’t explode through your front door with knives, blood, or jump scares. It lives in the invisible corners of a person’s living, breathing life. It is the horror that comes along with being watched, judged, and found lacking by someone who was supposed to love you completely and unconditionally. 

Beau Is Afraid, Ari Aster’s epic absurdist plunge into one man’s terrified psyche, doesn’t just address that horror. It dissects it.

What strikes me the most when I watch Beau Is Afraid is not the feverish chaos of Beau's world. It is the ominous presence of Mona, his mother. Mona is a woman whose love is weaponized, whose legacy is surveillance, and whose gaze never rests or shifts away from Beau. This remains the case even after her alleged death.

If you yourself have ever lived under the shadow of maternal control, then you know what it's like. Even when mother isn't in the room, she's present in uncomfortable and invasive ways. 

Beau Is Afraid doesn’t flinch from showing how love can become a trap –– how being raised to please someone else can result in a kind of emotional paralysis. And it absolutely nails how surveillance, even subtle, turns us into reluctant performers who are forever trying to get it "right."

The Devouring Mother

If you've read much mythology, then the devouring mother is a familiar figure. She appears to offer everything, but she also demands everything in return. Her love consumes. She defines herself by her children, defining them in the process, as well. When they inevitably try to leave or become people of their own, she takes it as the most profound betrayal.

Mona Wasserman is a modern version of this archetype turned all the way up to 150 percent. She is not merely overbearing. She is omnipotent. Godlike, even. A business empire bears her name. Her portrait looms, sucking the air out of the room. Her voice follows Beau through every nuanced layer of his myth-like journey. Even when he tries to escape, she is there, or maybe especially then.

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

A Legacy Isn't What You Think It Is

The idea of leaving a legacy in life came up on Facebook earlier –– everything it does and doesn't mean (and to whom). I posted a meme I found. Then a couple of friends direct-messaged me to share some of their own thoughts on the subject.

And as sometimes happens with me, the word kept bouncing around in my head throughout the day, long after those conversations were over.

Legacy. 

What does it actually mean to people to have one, and should it mean those things? Why is it so crucial to so many people? And perhaps most importantly, why hadn't it ever been particularly important to me?

When we talk about legacy, most people picture something grand and (hopefully) lasting. They picture having children who grow up to accomplish something great, passing on wealth or a family business, or being remembered by the rest of society in a speech or a headstone. Maybe they even see themselves creating something artistic or inventing something groundbreaking that gets them recognized. 

But the truth is, most of us won’t be remembered that way. 

I've always been a realist. I've also never personally wanted children or cared much about winning other people's approval. It's always been a given to me that I'd probably have my time on earth and eventually recede into obscurity when the time came. 

A lot of us eventually get there. And that's the point where you realize legacy isn't necessarily what we're taught to think it is at all.

The Myth of Legacy

Let’s be real for a second. Most families don’t remember their ancestors or lineage beyond their grandparents. Maybe a great-grandparent, if they were lucky enough to ever meet one. But names, faces, and details vanish fast. Even if your name makes it onto a family tree or you wind up with a grave people can visit, that’s not the same as being remembered as a person.

The pressure to leave some lasting mark on the world has become one more thing we’re expected to respond to, especially in a culture obsessed with hustle, productivity, and legacy-building.

But when you pull back and look at things honestly, you realize:

  • Very few people are remembered beyond a generation or two.
  • Legacy is often conflated with fame, lineage, or wealth.
  • Even famous or otherwise noteworthy people are often misunderstood or reduced to symbols.

So what are we really trying to leave behind? Who are we trying to prove something to, and why?

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Soft Armor: A Reflection on Quiet Strength

I never used to think of myself as a strong person, and with good reason. 

As a little girl, I was quiet and shy, the sort of kid who stayed glued to her parents whenever she went out with her family. I didn't want to be anything in particular when I grew up either. In fact, the idea of having a job one day filled me with terror and the closest thing to existential dread a little kid can feel. 

The world just seemed like such a scary place, a place I didn't think I'd ever be strong enough to survive in. But as it turned out, I also didn't understand strength yet. Because not all strength announces itself with a roar. In fact, some of the most powerful types don't make noise at all. 

They don’t show up with medals or applause. They aren’t polished, flashy, or performative. They’re the strengths that live underground and spend their energy producing roots instead of flowers. They're hidden until you look closely, quiet until you really take the time to stop and listen.

Mine is this kind. The kind that waits. 

It waits in the calm pacing of a rational thought when my chest is full of storms. It waits in the decision to keep going, not because the path is easy, but because I refuse to give up on the idea that there's a point and a purpose to my being here in the first place. 

My hidden strength isn't obvious fortitude or impenetrable toughness. It's resilience. 

Resilience is quiet, but it’s also defiant. It’s choosing not to become bitter, even after years of being underestimated, picked apart, or flat-out ignored. It’s telling others that they don’t get to tell me who I am, even when I’ve forgotten how to remind myself. 

It’s lighting a tea light on my altar when I feel powerless. Anointing my wrists with oil meant to invite success, even on days when failure feels more honest. 

It's waking up with my anxiety telling me the world is about to end, but getting out of bed anyway. It's going out into the garden to get some sun when I'd much rather hide inside in a dark room all day (or all year, even). It's reminding myself to drink plenty of water. Answering emails. Whispering hope under my breath when the world’s noise tells me not to bother.

It's choosing to write, create, love, learn, even when the evidence around me says it would be so much easier not to.

This is what most people never notice about resilient people. They don’t see what it costs to keep joy alive in places that feel designed to snuff it out — aging, crumbling, and full of ghosts. They don’t see the negotiations I make with my own sadness, not to banish it, but to ask it to move over so joy can sit beside it. They don’t see how many times I’ve had to build a sense of home out of nothing but music, memory, or a cup of triple Earl Grey tea in the right light.

Joy isn’t something that happens to me. It’s something I conjure, sometimes out of sticks and stones. I don’t lie to myself about how hard life can be. But I also don’t lie to myself about how beautiful it still is, regardless. I'm very familiar with both, because my center is in the space between them, and there it will continue to be. Forever and ever, amen.


* This reflection is part of the Feast of the Wandering Pen, a month-long exploration of writing, thought, and imagination in all its many forms.