On How Holidays Evolve Over the Years

Declaration of Independence (1818) - John Trumbull

I think I've realized a little something about Independence Day over the past week or so, planning for it and all. It's just not the same holiday to me that it used to be when I was a little girl. The majority of the reasons why are a mixture of personal and general. The rest may just be about having grown up a little bit over the years. It doesn't seem like anything much is exactly the same to me at 45 as it was when I was little or even just still young. 

To begin with, a lot of what made the 4th special is just plain off the table for us at this point for reasons beyond our control. With the way climate change has made wildfires such a massive issue in the summers here, the city doesn't do fireworks displays anymore. It's been decades since I actually went anywhere specifically to watch the fireworks, but sometimes I could still see them in the sky over the back fence. I didn't mind sitting outside with Seth a while when I was in the mood, trying to catch a glimpse of the pretty colors, smelling the cordite, and reminiscing about how magical the 4th of July seemed when I was a kid.

We almost always used to grill, but we don't even do that anymore -- also because of the fires. I used to love the smell of a barbecue grill, a wood-burning fireplace, or things burning in general. Now when I smell something -- anything -- burning, it no longer signals thoughts of coziness, fun, safety, and good times. It means danger. It makes me scared I'm going to have to spend the next week or two checking for evacuation alerts every two seconds and barely being able to see without the lights on because the sky is weird and orange in the middle of the day.

Also, learning more about Juneteenth and connecting better with the black half of my heritage over the past few years has sort of soured me on the whole idea of the 4th of July in general. I'm now hyper-aware that this is not the anniversary of the day someone like me would have been given so much as the ghost of freedom. It is not really my holiday anymore as a result. In a way, I'm realizing it never was, which casts a whole different light on all those childhood memories that meant so much to me when I was making them.

All this occurred to me earlier when I was looking through my Facebook memories on my phone while I was waking up this morning. Usually, I love looking back on old posts and reliving what I was thinking or feeling at the time. I just couldn't relate to the type of mood that used to inspire me to post goofy gifs and boisterous well-wishes for the day at all, though. I'm still excited about the chili dogs and fun Seth and I have planned for the day, but I'm not really in the headspace I thought I'd be. Perhaps that's just something that comes with getting older, though.

I did decide to go ahead and take the long weekend everyone else is taking, though. Sometimes, I still have trouble taking enough days off. Even though I've learned the value of a proper work-life balance over the years, I still feel my best when I'm super-productive and enjoying a good return on my time investment. And the conditioning of one's youth is strong, so there will probably always be this part of me that thinks I'm lazy if I want any time off, let alone an extra day added to my weekend. I'm getting better at telling that nasty little voice to shut its cakehole, though. I need a break, and I'm taking one!