On Independence and Self-Discovery

"Are you happy, or are you pretending to be happy?"

We watched this movie a few days ago -- Swallow. It's about a young, pregnant housewife named Hunter (Haley Bennett) who's struggling with certain feelings. This is a life she once thought she wanted, and that would make her happy, but -- as can often be the case -- the reality isn't quite measuring up to expectations. Her husband doesn't take her at all seriously and barely sees her as a person. Hunter especially doesn't seem all that thrilled to be pregnant. It's clear she feels like the walls are closing in on her and that something's got to give soon.

One day, Hunter gives in to an odd, sudden urge she has to swallow a marble. For reasons she can't quite understand, the act makes her feel empowered, possibly for the first time in her life. She eventually swallows other objects, some of them quite dangerous. Before she knows it, she has a full-fledged habit on her hands, her husband and in-laws find out, and strife ensues. From there, the film becomes about Hunter's struggle to feel like an important player in her own life and chronicles her attempts to get there. The film was really very good and gives you lots to think about.

Much about Hunter's situation reminds me of how it felt to be married to my first husband, Greg. I was very young at the time -- much younger than Greg -- and I didn't have the luxury of being a housewife (although that is something I thought I wanted.) I definitely didn't develop the urge to swallow marbles and thumbtacks. However, Hunter's feelings of inadequacy were very familiar to me. Like Hunter, I was surrounded by people who considered my feelings and needs to be unimportant compared to everyone else's. I disagreed. 

I'm not young anymore. I'm in my mid-40s, as opposed to my mid-20s. I've learned a lot about what I do and don't want out of life in general and relationships in particular. I've also grown fiercely independent over the years. At this point, it's hard to believe there was ever a time when I thought I'd be happy as a housewife, not to mention willing to let someone else dictate my quality of life for me. I strongly suspect that if I'd ever gotten the life I thought I wanted, I would have felt a lot like Hunter did -- completely unfulfilled and at a loss to really explain why.

I had to learn the hard way to value my independence and stubbornness, as I was raised to believe these were horrible qualities to have -- especially if you're a woman. It's one thing to need others and to allow people to be important in your life. It's another to gift wrap your personal power and hand it to someone else to do with as they will, no questions asked. At best, you'll never be the master of your own life, which is a crying shame for reasons of its own. At worst, you could wind up deeply taken advantage of. I was well on the road to becoming the latter when I decided to get on a plane and start a new life 3,000 miles away instead of continuing as I was for one more day.

At the time, I and everyone else I knew thought I had snapped. In actuality, I was thinking very clearly and perhaps the sanest I've ever been. Blowing my old life to smithereens and replacing it with something new turned out to be just what I needed. Yes, I got a better relationship out of that choice, but at this point, I'm not even sure that was the biggest benefit. Removing the influence of some people from my life (like Greg) and drastically marginalizing others (like my parents) allowed me room to finally get to know myself and figure out what I truly wanted out of life.

It's a lesson I wish more people -- especially more other women -- could learn a lot earlier in life, preferably before they box themselves in too tightly. I know too many women my own age and older who've never figured these things out. It shows, too, and in the worst ways. I have friends I'm concerned about because I'm seeing this happening to them. They're on their own journey, and I trust that they'll eventually figure things out the way I did, but it's hard to watch sometimes just the same.