None of them show the slightest little bit of interest in growing or evolving either and something about that honestly disgusts me. I've always wanted to be better than I was. All that's ever changed was my definition of what "better" meant. Somewhere along the line, it stopped meaning "be someone my parents like and approve of" and started meaning "be someone I like and approve of". Even now, I still want to be so much better and so much more. And I want to be surrounded by people like myself -- thinkers, artists. People that are more focused on improving themselves and less concerned with how they stack up to others around them.
I'm sure that's at least part of the reason it's been easier to keep up with my public blogging lately. I used to far prefer LiveJournal and Facebook as locations for thought dumping because I actually knew the people there and kept a lock on the front door. Then a little bit at a time, I stopped relating to those people until one day I just woke up and realized I no longer relate to them at all. Blogging here started feeling a lot more therapeutic and I think it's because no one I know all that well really reads what I post here with any regularity. Seth does, but he's about it. Seth... and I guess the faceless masses out there, which is fine.
I don't know those people personally. Those people aren't going to get drunk and message me at 2AM because they made yet another stupid decision and just "feel" like I'm someone they can talk to. They're not going to not-so-gently imply that I'm obligated to donate to their latest Go Fund Me campaign because we're "friends". They're not going to expect me to waste my personal time giving advice they're not going to listen to as far as how they should style their hair, or function in a relationship, or deal with whatever acquaintance pissed them off last.
In other words, I still like having my writings "out there" and available to people that might theoretically be interested in reading them. What I don't want right now are the implied friendships and assumed personal connections that can come with having regular readers that feel like they "know" you even when they absolutely don't. I like that blogging way out here in what feels like the middle of nowhere doesn't seem to invite much actual communication or attract a lot of attention from people looking to turn me into their next best friend.
........
In other news, my birthday is coming up in a little less than a week. I'm going to be 40. On the one hand, I want to say that I don't feel 40. People don't really seem to process me as a 40-year-old, which is understandable. I don't look 40 and I don't really live the life of the typical 40-year-old either. I don't have a 40-year-old's responsibilities -- children, property, a sensible career I've been plugging away at for decades. But then I think about how irritating I've started finding people that are in their 30's even. They seem so immature and I think it's in ways that didn't use to bother me as much as they do now. And it's at times like that I realize... yeah, I'm totally 40.
I don't really get why people get so depressed about turning 40. I'm kind of excited. I like the way I am at this age and really, I never thought I'd see the day. I'm actually something akin to level-headed. I feel like I have focus and purpose -- kind of, anyway. I still don't know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life per se, but I guess I have faith at this age that it will all work itself out somehow. The better things that have happened to me in my life not only weren't planned, but they were impossible to plan for, so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride, anticipating the next surprise God has in store for me.
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