On Knots, Meatloaf, and Paprikash

It feels nice to be back in the groove as far as super regular prayer and Bible study go. I just plain feel better when I'm making a little time every day to talk to God the way I know I should. Happier, better adjusted. More balanced. Even the worst of my worries and problems seem at least approachable, if not exactly solvable, and that's honestly good enough for me most days.

Earlier this week, I finished a new novena I'd always liked the sounds of, but never actually taken for a spin -- the one to Mary, Undoer of Knots. I really do feel I have issues in my life that I can't seem to overcome no matter how hard I try. Knots that I need help untying. Some of them stem from personal issues, but others have more to do with running themes in my life that I've never been able to escape or even figure out.

The hardest ones for me to deal with are honestly the ones to do with other people, because I have little to no control over what other people think, feel, or are ultimately going to do. So much about the way other people behave and treat others is hurtful to me, and it's made it very hard for me to stay invested in most of my personal relationships on a long-term basis. All someone has to do is hurt me to make me at least consider jettisoning them from my life for good, so I've got a lot of burnt bridges to show for my 43 years on earth. With friends. With partners. With family. If I keep going at that rate, I'll wind up just like my mother by the time I'm her age -- fresh out of people and pretty much alone in the world through my own doing. A person can only get by on their good looks for so long.