Chewing the Holiday Fat

So I finally jumped on the bandwagon and got myself a tablet. It's fucking awesome and totally convenient for those times when I want to read online or look through my social media but don't necessarily feel like being on my phone. It was my Christmas present to myself for really making some great progress professionally this year. I've been working smarter, not harder, and it's been paying off really well. My business feels like it turned a corner this year and I'm excited to see where my writing takes me next. I'm incredibly proud of myself, not only for working as hard as I have, but for actually rewarding myself with something I really wanted.

I'm even happier about the fact that it wasn't even hard for me to make the decision to buy the tablet, because at one point in my life, it totally would have been. I had the money and I was able to score a great deal on a Nexus 10, the kind I wanted the most, so I just bought it. Since surrounding myself with better people and better situations as far as my daily life goes, decisions like that have been a lot easier to make. I'm officially through with letting other people tell me that I'm not allowed to enjoy my life or spend any of the money I work so hard to earn on myself. I'm better when I actually enjoy my life.

What the Before Sunrise Trilogy Taught Me About Relationships

Jesse and Celine in Their 40's -- Before Midnight

Anyone who knows me well already knows how I am these days in regards to the way romantic relationships are depicted in movies. I'm going to be 38 years old on my next birthday. At this point in my life, I've been in several relationships, some of them OK and some of them not so OK. I've already been married and divorced. Eventually, I'll wind up married again, this time to my dear partner of going on nine years. Suffice it to say that the idealistic little girl that could actually watch a Disney movie or a romantic comedy and totally believe that she was looking at a realistic depiction of actual love is long dead and buried thanks to cold, hard reality.

I suppose that's why I've always felt unusually invested in Jesse and Celine, the two characters from the Before Sunrise trilogy. They felt and still do feel real in a way other movie couples just don't. I finally got a chance to see the latest installment (Before Midnight) last night thanks to the magic that is Netflix. As a result, I find myself realizing that these two have probably taught me more about the reality of not only relationships, but also goal-chasing, personal development, and the process of growing older than anyone I know in my actual life. (We creative types can be pretty solitary, yo. We need to take our learnin' where we can get it.)

I wasn't stupid in my 20's. I was just young.

Like a lot of people that are fans of the series, I've actually been growing older right along with Jesse and Celine. When they met on the train in Before Sunrise, I was just a little younger than they were at the time. I still saw the world the way they did. I was idealistic and optimistic. I pretty much took it for granted that my life would eventually fall into place more or less perfectly and that any professional life I might ever have would find me doing something fantastic and unforgettable. I definitely still assumed I'd wind up part of some perfect couple that looked nothing like the middle aged German couple Jesse and Celine see arguing on the train. In other words, I had a lot to learn. 

Independence Day 2013

Wolfie With Our American Flag

As my American friends and readers already know, yesterday was Independence Day here in America. It's been so terribly hot here in Monterey over the past couple of weeks, but it finally started to cool down late in the day yesterday. Somehow we hadn't really gotten into the spirit of barbecuing yet this year, but 4th of July is always a great time to start, so that's exactly what we did. 

We also finally got around to taking some new pictures of ourselves and each other. I don't know how it is that we got so bad about this -- especially me. Granted I've never been someone who likes having their picture taken or who feels comfortable in front of a camera, but I definitely used to actually be in the habit of taking pictures on a regular basis anyway -- certainly at least a few new ones a month or something. This was especially the case since I've been so active online for so many years and plenty of uploaded photos are really the only way other people can see you and feel like they know you.

On Summer, Working at Home, and Laziness

It really is true what they say. Everything kind of has a downside... even getting to be someone who works for themselves from home. On the one hand, I have all this freedom since I started doing what I do. However, I'm not always sure that I put that freedom to the best possible uses.

When I imagine the concept of "freedom" in my head, I always picture myself being the same model citizen and full participant in regards to the outside world that I would be otherwise, only without the need to actually show up at an office day in and day out. In reality though? I get pretty lazy and that laziness only becomes more pronounced as time rolls on.

I'm a homebody at heart, so if work obligations and personal responsibilities don't require me to get out that often, I kind of just... don't. I don't like to dress up for no good reason, so not actually being required to go out most days eventually leads to barely bothering when it comes to fixing myself up at all. I certainly don't bother putting together outfits or putting on make-up most days. Before I know it, I don't even know where my nicer clothes are in the event I do want to go somewhere. Don't even get me started on how out of shape I become if something isn't forcing me to get outside and exercise on a regular basis.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that summer crept up on me again just like it always does and I don't feel ready for it. I don't have a car, so getting out and exploring requires a lot of walking, biking, or bus riding that I just rarely do anymore. Plus, I really don't feel like I have anything to wear or like I look good in what I do have. I used to feel like I looked pretty darned smart when I went out, but these days I tend to feel more like something that crawled out from under a rock and is just visiting the outside world for a while.

Red Hair and the Passage of Time

I haven't been up to all that much, but that's honestly OK with me these days. When I'm straight with myself, I sincerely prefer it when there isn't too much going on and life is ambling on at a relatively slow pace. That was honestly the whole point behind so many of the really big life choices I've made -- leaving my marriage years ago, building a new relationship with the kind of man I've always wanted to be with (a creative, contemplative sort like myself), going freelance, moving back to California -- so I'm not sure why I still sometimes find it so difficult to just relax and let myself enjoy that about life when I have the opportunity.

I'm happy to say that I've been doing at least some of the things I've been saying I wanted to do though instead of simply continuing to talk about them. For instance, I finally got around to dying my hair super-bright red as I mentioned wanting to do. You can sort of see it in this fail-picture from off my phone the other day. (I'm still getting the hang of taking pictures of myself with my touch-screen phone and I really didn't want to just post a shitty webcam pic someplace I already post way too seldom.) At the very least, I'm sure you can see it's much brighter and more vibrant than the dark auburn color I was sporting the last time I posted images of myself here.

I fucking love having hair this color, yo. Crazy-bright hair like this is something I always wanted to try, but never felt I could previously in life. If I didn't have to worry about what my stuffy ex-husband or my parents would have thought of it, I would have had to worry about whether or not my boss approved. These days, I honestly don't have to worry about anyone else's opinion, as my life is mostly populated with people who actually make me feel comfortable being myself. I'm even in a relationship with someone who likes most of the choices I make. It's really nice, actually. Anyway, I'm definitely keeping this for a good long while. It's terrific not to feel so sick of my looks because they've been exactly the same for so long that they no longer feel like "me".