Lana Del Rey's music occupies a strange category for me. It evokes strong feelings of nostalgia and reminds me of all kinds of things despite not also being music I grew up listening to.
She wasn't even around as an artist when I was still growing up, as she would have been just a child herself. However, her style as an artist and much of the imagery in her music reminds me of how I felt, thought, and took up space in the world way back then. The fact that the beach and many references to life in California come up often in her music underscores all this even further.
When I was young, I had so many strong emotions. Many of them were difficult, dark, and consuming -- like longing, melancholy, and restlessness. Life was difficult for me as a young person, and it took me until I was in my 20s to start coming into my own. But I had an incredibly rich fantasy life at that age, as well. I was always obsessed with some boy I knew, or occasionally I'd construct elaborate fantasies around actors (and even fictional characters) I found objectively attractive. I'd daydream about what I'd be like when I was older -- painfully, sorrowfully beautiful and, of course, so very deep -- as well as all the tumultuous, passionate romances I was sure I would one day have.
One of my favorite things to do was indulge in these fantasies and wonder what my life would eventually be like while listening to music. If I could be outside taking up space in some beautiful setting while I did it, so much the better. I especially loved going on long nature walks, hanging out on the beach while watching the waves, and spacing out in the passenger seat on long road trips while watching the world go by. I never felt very connected to my family, my friends, or most of the men I dated when I was in my teens and early-mid 20s, so maintaining this sort of rich inner life seemed to fulfill some of the needs those relationships didn't.
The tonality, themes, and mood of Lana Del Rey's music remind me of the strange comfort I found in being quietly melancholy in this way. Yes, like many very young people who have yet to live much, I was dissatisfied with my life and myself in so many ways. But I also had this absolute certainty that one day I'd be that darkly beautiful person I was in my daydreams, have a great love one day, and move through the world in exactly the way I pictured it happening. Thinking about those things made me feel happy and soothed back then. And now that a lot about those fantasies has actually come true -- in a manner of speaking, at least -- thinking back on those things is also a pleasant experience.
Lana Del Rey, herself even looks like a strange combination of the person I fantasized about becoming when I was still young and the very real person I eventually did become. She has that intense, smoldering melancholy I used to try so hard to cultivate when I was young -- the kind that takes itself so seriously, you almost can't help but chuckle when you stumble across an example of it. And she favors the kind of look I gravitate toward today -- vintage-inspired with long, sleek hair and dramatic '60s-style winged eyeliner. It's weird to look at pictures of her and see that sort of connection to myself.
Chemtrails Over the Country Club has the same general sound as Lana's other work, but the tone of it is considerably lighter and less... well... sad? Listening to it lately -- especially now that it's springtime -- has been making me so nostalgic in the loveliest, most pleasant way. It's reminding me of how much beauty I sometimes found in the natural melancholy I still feel from time to time.
When people see me in these quiet, wistful moods, they typically think I'm sad or in a bad mood somehow. Really, I'm just feeling thoughtful, creative, and contemplative -- states of being that bring me a different, less obvious type of happiness. These days, I tend to get lost in thought about abstract ideas or creative concepts I'll eventually want to use in my work, not girlish fantasies and daydreams like when I was still just a kid, but yeah. I can see how these moods are still very much a part of my process, and they are something my mind and spirit still need to be their very best.
It's so funny how something as simple as music or a new album from an artist you really enjoy can bring back so much for you and make you realize you're not as different from the younger version of yourself as you may think most days. And that perhaps that's not such a bad thing after all.
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