A Soft Thing Worth Protecting: Reflections on the Value of Empathy

As a relatively private person, there's a lot of myself I don't openly share. Not because those parts are shameful or broken, but because they’re delicate and too often misunderstood.

One of those parts has always been my sense of empathy. That's the part of me that has always listened too closely, noticed too much, and felt absolutely everything all the way down to the bone. It’s also the part I’ve learned to hide, shield, and sometimes even deny to survive in a world that increasingly treats gentleness as a liability.

But here’s what no one tells you. Kindness and justice aren’t actually opposites. Neither are softness and strength. 

The Myth of "Too Sensitive"

From an early age, I've been the kind of person who cries over movies and senses shifts in people’s moods long before they actually open their mouths and speak. Sometimes I deeply felt guilt or grief that weren't even my own, but I was also astute enough to realize that other people didn't have these intense reactions to things. 

For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. I believed people when they told me I was “too sensitive" and took things “too personally.” I didn't yet understand that what they were really saying was, "Your softness makes me uncomfortable, and your empathy holds up a mirror I’m not ready to look into." 

And sometimes what they meant was closer to, "Your brand of softness makes it harder for me to control you, and I don't like that." Narcissists and opportunists have always been drawn to my openness and kindness. But when they tried to take advantage of me, I saw through it. If they hurt me, there were consequences instead of a truly clean slate, especially as I got older and more self-aware. 

Narcissists, abusers, and opportunists make life hard, so I eventually did what so many empathetic people do. I buried my empathy and built walls around my kindness. I learned to present something sharper, more prickly, and harder to reach — a version of me people were less likely to exploit, manipulate, or test.

But I never truly lost my softness. I just hid it behind the door until I figured out what to do with it. And I eventually came to understand that it was never the problem or even a shortcoming. It was actually the part of me most worth protecting all along.

Empathy with Boundaries (and Teeth)

What people never saw when I was younger is that behind my softness lies an iron will. A core sense of justice that doesn’t just flicker but burns.

I will go far for the people I love. I will listen longer than most. But I am not here to be exploited, drained, told what to do, or broken open for sport. The moment someone crosses that line is also the one where they meet the boundaries and defenses I've developed over the years. 

I'm not deliberately cruel or vindictive to people who make the mistake of trying to take advantage of me or someone I care about. I just revoke access. Forever. In other words, the same sensitivity that allows me to handle others with compassion also tells me exactly when to close the gate.

Having a soft heart doesn’t necessarily mean letting people walk all over it with muddy shoes. Setting boundaries with others isn't betrayal, but how we love ourselves while also loving others.

So, If You See Yourself in This...

If you’ve ever been told you’re too emotional, too kind, or too generous, there's something you need to know. You’re not weak. You’re awake. And although it may not always feel like it, that's a superpower. The key to surviving in a dumpster fire world that eats soft people for breakfast isn't shutting your softness down. It's learning how to protect it:

• Build strong boundaries, but don't shut down your heart. Access to your empathy can (and should) be earned.
• Stop explaining your kindness to people who question it. Empathy is a rare form of intelligent awareness and doesn’t need to be justified. 
• Notice who drains you and who respects your emotional generosity. Some people want to devour it. Others want to honor it. Learn what the difference looks like.
• Let softness be your strength. Practice being both soft and sovereign by aiming for the sweet spot in the middle.
• Hold space for your own healing. Empaths often support others at the expense of themselves. Learning to discern when you're falling into that trap and correcting course is essential.

So the next time someone mocks your empathy or tries to use it against you, remember. This deeply human, fiercely honest thing is worth guarding with everything you’ve got. And so are you.

* This reflection is part of this month's Feast of the Wandering Pen, a lunar exploration of expression and authenticity.