The Myth of Wasted Time (and Why I'm Not Playing That Game Anymore)

So, this week seems to be shaping up to be more about recalibrating and recentering than anything else. I saw that coming, though. The universe has had my hands full lately with several months of tasks and little emergencies – broken appliances that needed fixing, jury duty I couldn't get out of, and issues with problem clients, among other things. 

I finally seem to be back to a place where I have the time, room, and extra energy to start getting back on track with a few things (e.g., yardwork and daily exercise). I'm also trying my best not to fall into old familiar patterns that always find me beating myself up for needing to play catch-up in the first place. 

That said, we’ve all heard it – or worse, felt it. That insidious little voice whispering, “You should be further along by now.” You scroll past yet another life update on social media from a peer or an old classmate – a new job, a book deal, that dream vacation they've been daydreaming about for years. Suddenly, your own timeline, with its utter lack of vacations and awesome opportunities, feels… warped and crooked. 

I admit to still struggling with this myself, but that may be all the more reason to tell you. That voice is a liar. Or at the very least, wildly uninformed.

The Guilt Trip You Never Asked For

Negative self-talk and an insatiable need to measure up start super early, maybe with a parent, a teacher, or even just a system designed to rank you by productivity and potential. You internalize the idea that your value comes from not only doing, but doing quickly, all while blowing the rest of your competition completely out of the water.

Graduate by this age. Settle down by that one. Have a career, buy a house, never pause, never question. Keep producing. Keep climbing. And if you veer off track... or have to stay off track for a while? Well, clearly you’ve messed up and wasted your life. Once you do internalize that programming, it's very hard to move past. I'm honestly still working on it (and failing miserably at times).

If You Were Surviving, You Weren't Wasting Time

One thing I wish I'd understood when I was younger and still really struggling with the idea of wasted time, wasted potential, or a wasted life. Survival totally counts as "doing something," and I've done a lot of that over the years. The time you spent coping, recovering, holding it together with dollar-store tape and a half-empty coffee mug? That wasn’t “time wasted.” That was necessary holy labor.

Like a lot of people with challenging childhoods and dysfunctional families, I didn't personally get the luxury of choosing my pace in life. I've spent a lot of my life healing from trauma and trying to figure out who I am. I spent years hopping from one toxic environment to another. All the while, I was also navigating mental health challenges without a roadmap, any resources, or a proper support system. 

In other words, I was busy trying to exist in a world that wasn’t built for me, and maybe you have been, too. As much as that has felt like failing for me at times, I now realize it wasn't and isn't.

You Were Learning Things the Fast Track Folks Missed

If life's taught me anything at this point, it's that different paths yield different flavors of wisdom. I may not have climbed all the traditional ladders in life, but I've realized I have something else to show for my 49 years on the planet so far.

I know how to read between the lines. I’ve developed spiritual insight, grit, profound empathy, and a serious sixth sense for when someone’s full of it. I understand the cost of energy, the value of boundaries, and the power of saying no. And I finally have a pretty darned good idea who I am and what I absolutely don't want out of life.

Those are life-changing lessons some people never learn, so it's no small thing to be able to say that you have. 

The truth is, most of the pressure to stay in step with everyone else and "catch up" if you fall behind comes from systems that profit off our insecurity – capitalism, the patriarchy, the influencer-industrial complex. They thrive when we feel behind, unaccomplished, and perpetually lacking. I'm not playing that game anymore.

For Anyone Else Who Feels Behind Right Now

Regardless of how society makes it feel sometimes, life isn’t a race. It’s not a checklist, either. It’s an ongoing story, and some of the best stories take a while to unfold. (Who actually wants to read a book that peaks in chapter two, anyway?)

So here’s what I hope you’ll remember (and what I try to remind myself of when self-sabotage starts creeping in at the edges):

• Time spent healing, grieving, or rebuilding is not wasted.
• You’re allowed to bloom on your own schedule.
• You are not "a dud" just because your story reads differently.
• Growth that isn’t visible is often the most important kind.
• Comparison is a thief, not to mention a massive waste of energy.

So, I'm going to do my best this week not to get too down on myself because I needed some time to reorient myself after an entire parade of events that's left me with little breathing room for much else.

Sometimes, the best thing I can do for myself is give myself permission to walk barefoot through my own life for a while. It makes it a little easier to pick up the pieces and put them back together when life's been more overwhelming than usual.