Saturday, May 3, 2025

Courage: A Reading in Four Parts

Over the past couple of months, I've been focusing on reclaiming a few habits I've fallen away from over the years. One of those is a daily divination pull from one of my tarot decks, oracle decks, or rune sets –– occasionally a pull each from more than one, depending on what the vibe of the day is like.

Sometimes the pulls bring things up for consideration that I might not actively be thinking about otherwise. Today's overall theme turned out to be all about reclaiming lost parts of your identity and stepping into the life you know you deserve.

But knowing you deserve something and believing you'll actually get it are two different animals. Especially when you didn't grow up feeling safe, accepted, or loved with any real consistency. I personally learned that I'm only worthy of those things when I'm "going places" and accomplishing circles around everyone else. It's taking me all 49 years of my life so far to even start unlearning it properly.

I'm getting there, though. And sometimes the universe backs me up with exactly the kind of encouragement I need on a given day. Today felt like one of those days.


The Eye


Some forces watch us long before we know how to watch back. The way The Eye watches shouldn't trigger suspicion or fear, but rather awareness. The kind that sees beneath the surface and into the marrow of what something (or who someone) is. 

Pulling The Eye today made me feel seen. Not by people, but by something older and a whole heck of a lot wiser than I am. A presence that knows the threads I carry, even when I forget them myself. The Eye watches not to punish, but to protect. To remember on your behalf until you are strong enough to remember on your own.

Friday, May 2, 2025

A Soft Time Machine: Reflections on the Movies We Love

Garden State (2004) - Courtesy of Fox Searchlight

I think movies are like portals to a lot of us when we're children –– opportunities to step out of our little-kid lives with all their frustrating limitations for a moment and explore the world on a larger scale. Then we get older. We acquire adult worries and responsibilities. Society convinces us that escaping into our imaginations this way should be less of a priority. And we forget.

For some reason, I never quite made that tradition the way I was "supposed to."

Yes, I'm an adult. Despite deliberately avoiding certain types of responsibility, I've still managed to accumulate my due share with big, heavy adult-level worries to match. But I never stopped seeing movies as magic gateways to another version of the world that often made more sense to me than the real one did.

Garden State is one of many movies I feel that way about as a middle-aged adult, and I just so happen to have it on in the background as I write this. Like a lot of my fellow Gen Xers, I first saw this film in my 20s and processed it a certain way.

That version of me was still just getting started on her adult life. She was still the type of person who could feel entirely original again by doing something weird, spontaneous, and random. But she also wanted to be the type of woman someone would dive into a pool for, despite not knowing how to swim. 

I also recall relating to the feeling of gazing into an infinite abyss on a rainy day with a long, sprawling future ahead of me that was still nothing but a question mark. I loved knowing that you never know what's at the bottom of such an abyss. It could be anything, including something amazing that you haven't even dreamed about yet.

I notice different things about the film as a full-grown adult who's only a sneeze away from 50 at this point. My future isn't much of a question mark anymore, although that may just be part of the illusion that comes with "getting old." But I still relate to the idea of wanting something meaningful that you can't quite define, even if you don't have a name for it or know how to ask for it. 

Apparently, that's not something you ever outgrow. It just changes shape while staying two steps ahead of you. One way stories can grow and evolve with you, continuing to meet you where you are, no matter how old you become.

Thursday, May 1, 2025

The Court of the Wild Chord

They arrived without fanfare, though they were dressed for it. One by one, they emerged from the folds of the early morning into my misty garden. Creatures of fur, claw, tusk, and hoof. Each robed in velvet and brocade, each carrying a violin that hummed with more than music.

I don't know where they came from. I'd never met them before, but some part of me recognized them all the same. 

Thorne, the Boar, smelled of smoke, freshly turned earth, and secret things that only grow at night. His hooves left glyphs and symbols in the soil as he searched for a spot to make himself comfortable. The melody he played pulsed with survival, a song built from bone memory and bitter root. 

He played what must always be remembered.

Virella, the Wolf, moved like moonlight through a locked room. His mournful eyes glowed with the images of secret maps. They were maps of places I’ve only seen in dreams and misremembered moments from the past. His music had no true beginning, no end. It was best described as a misty, winding trail of breath and instinct. 

He played what must always be followed.

Halbard, the Bear, bowed gracefully and low before beginning. His coat was heavy with charms. His fingers, thick but graceful, drew forth aching laments wrapped in subtle warmth. His was the music of lost things that are desperately missed once they're gone, as well as those we've forgotten to keep remembering at some point along the way. It was the music of grief.

He played what must be respectfully mourned.

Malgore, the Goat, did not bow at all. Instead, he smirked before glancing into the four corners of the garden, as if to make sure the entire morning was listening. And then he played something that turned the air inside out. It was a vaguely dissonant melody I knew and feared. A secret I hadn’t meant to keep. 

He played what must be known. Eventually, but only in due course.

None of them spoke, even to one another. And their impromptu concert was brief. Just one short but perfect piece each. Maybe the music was meant to be a gift. Perhaps a warning or even an aging mirror that could be made bright again with care and polish. 

I suppose that is for them to know and me to contemplate.

When they were done, they vanished the same way they had come. There was no drama or urgency. They didn't make a single sound more. But once they were gone, the entire space felt rearranged in a way I could not define. Sometimes I think they were reminders that even in the elegant places you're sure you've successfully tamed, a certain wildness still remains. 

That wildness makes music. And if you're wise (and very lucky), you'll listen.


* This entry is part of The Feast of the Wandering Pen, a month-long ritual that includes writing, remembering, and return to self-clarity.

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

8 Questions Every Creative Should Ask Themselves at Least Once a Year

Creative pursuits like writing, art, or music aren't just things we do. For a lot of us, creativity is an entire lifestyle, a way of existing and taking up space in the world around us. 

But if you're anything like me, it's all too easy to lose your way, especially if your creativity is also how you earn a living. Life gets busy. Stress levels rise and inspiration becomes ever harder to come by. Sometimes it's really easy to forget why you even wanted to be creative in the first place.

Although it took me years to really get the memo, it's essential to pause, recalibrate, and check in with yourself once in a while. Not from a critical angle but from one of genuine curiosity and self-compassion. 

Admittedly, I'm guilty of not doing this anywhere near as often as I know I should, but I'm working on it. Asking myself some simple questions once or twice a year and exploring those answers in whatever way makes sense at the time has helped. So, if you're someone who ever creates something out of nothing and calls it art, these eight questions are for you.

1. What do I create when no one is watching?


I don't know about you, but I create very differently when I'm doing it for personal expression and sheer joy than I do when I'm hoping to "get somewhere" with whatever it is I'm making. And it's only natural to care what other people think about what you make, even essential if you count on creative earnings as part of your living. 

But asking myself this question now and then brings me back to the truest version of my creative self, the version that doesn't really care if something I want to create makes me money or earns me new clients. I'm constantly reminding myself to make enough room for creativity that honors that version of me. If I don't, burnout can become a problem.

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

The Tangerine Star of Tunisia Road

They say that seven is the age of reason –– the age when you're old enough to start truly developing a sense of self. This makes sense to me, as my memories from that age (and just after) are among some of my most poignant and vivid, even if I'm not entirely sure why. 

There was a street lamp on the corner of Tunisia Road where we lived on post after we first moved to California, just a few steps away from our little home. Our house was the kind of house everyone in the military gets when they're lucky –– comfortable but also forgettable enough that you didn't even realize you were supposed to forget it.

But at that age, everything still seemed magical and sacred. My room wasn't just an ordinary room in an ordinary house. It was the hallowed sanctum where I spent hours organizing my toys and brushing my dolls' hair. It was my first little office and creative studio, the place where I first fell in love with drawing with my pencils and typing up stories on the old, secondhand typewriter my parents had given me for the purpose.

I was used to military life, so I technically knew the house and my place in it were temporary. But somehow that didn't matter. When you're only seven or eight, even a summer feels like an eternity, so a change that was still probably years in the future felt like something to worry about in some other lifetime. 

In the meantime, I had living to do, stories to write, and that street lamp to dream underneath.

It was just an ordinary street lamp on an ordinary suburban street corner. But what I remember most is the way it stood tall and strange, like a metal flower that waited all day to bloom at dusk. That's when the soft, orange glow of evening flickered to life, and it always felt like something sacred had been summoned.