I don't know that I do what other writers do and get hung up on how badly my older writing sucks in comparison to my more recent work (although I definitely do see a skill level difference.) I'm more stunned by how different my thinking is. I'm in a completely different mindset sitting here in my office writing this today than I was in most of my early posts.
I've struggled so much in life, especially mentally and emotionally. I always did my best to put on a good face in front of others -- fake it 'til you make it, and all that -- but life, in general, always seemed so pointless and unnecessarily hard. It was heartbreaking to see Younger Shannon starting projects she was so hopeful about and quickly giving up -- all the fruitless little fits and starts. I can see in that version of me someone who desperately wants her life to matter and feel worth living but has no idea what such a life would look like or how to get there. The shadow of the person I'd eventually become is there, but barely.
To be completely honest, I'm not really sure how I managed to get myself from there to here. When I read those older posts, I see someone who wants to die and is already well on her way to doing exactly that. I suppose I eventually sank deep enough that I was finally ready to do the shadow work. I'm not sorry those dark years in my life happened, as I wouldn't be able to write the things I'm writing now without them to reflect on, but it's hard to go back and witness them as they're happening. It's hard to read the proof of how hopeless and suffocating they were.
........
On that sober note, I may have officially gone batshit insane. I was over on Quora answering questions the other day and someone asked one about NaNoWriMo -- National Novel Writing Month. Just formulating that answer and giving the person the tips they'd asked for was enough to make me deeply nostalgic for the days when I used to participate every single year. At first, I was great about sticking to the program and "finishing" on time alongside all of the wonderful friends I'd made there along the way. Then, as my depression worsened and life got harder for me, I started giving up within the first week or two. Finally, I stopped bothering altogether. That was years ago at this point.
My reasons for stopping were complicated, and a lot of them made sense. I was struggling with an overpacked freelancing schedule and a raging case of professional burnout at the time. I barely had the spare time and energy to scratch my ass, let alone write an extra 50,000 words of anything for the fun of it -- especially anything creative.
But things feel different this year. Despite 2020 being the year civilization started falling apart, this has been a super-productive period for me. I've been thriving as a writer on every possible level. I'm on a schedule that's totally working for me as far as making sure I meet deadlines and hit goals. I'm realizing that if I want to, I can totally manage NaNoWriMo this year. I'm also really liking many of the changes the NaNoWriMo team have made to the site over the years. Among other things, you can manage the writing projects you start there from beginning to end -- from planning all the way through publishing if you like.
So, all that to say that writing out that Quora answer and thinking about NaNo found me visiting the site later that same day. I even updated my profile and tentatively started planning a project, just in case. If I do decide to jump in again this year, I'd like to come out of the process with something truly finished for the first time ever, so I will likely complete a piece of flash fiction every day that meets or exceeds the daily word count. If you're participating, as well, please feel free to check out my NaNo profile and add me as a buddy there. I'd love the support and occasional writing shop talk.
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