On Mindfulness and Stress Management

Zihuatanejo - Shannon Hilson via Midjourney

I've been trying something a little different the past couple of days with my self-care routine, just to see how things go. Seth's brother gifted him a one-year subscription to Calm perhaps a month ago or so, and he's really been liking it -- especially the soundscapes and ambient sounds. So I had him send me a pass for a free one-month trial to see if it's something I might like, too.

I've struggled with issues like anxiety, recurring depression, and frequent overstimulation (due to autism and neuroatypicality) my entire life. Over the years, I've discovered lots and lots of ways to cope with those things and keep them in check so that I can actually function on a semi-normal level. But sometimes I wonder how good a job I'm really doing on a deeper level.

I often think I've reached a place where I feel OK about something but still wind up showing clear signs that I'm actually still pretty anxious about it underneath. 

For example, I was supposed to appear for jury duty last Monday. I knew about it a couple of months in advance, so there was this long period over the holidays that felt like some sort of doomsday countdown. And that wasn't too big a problem until I reached the point where it was maybe a couple of weeks away, then a week, and then just a couple of days.

I wasn't incapacitated by anxiety or anything, as I was definitely living my life and going about my business in every way that really mattered. And for that reason, I told myself, "Oh, I've got this totally under control and feel fine about it." But I realized that probably hadn't been the case when I checked in on the county court site the Friday before my Monday summons date to double-check the time.

It actually -- mercifully -- turned out that I was excused entirely and didn't have to report to the courthouse in person after all. And the sheer tidal wave of instant relief that washed over me when I realized that was pretty overwhelming. I don't think I realized just how anxious I really had been until that moment. But the minute I had permission to quit lying to myself and just feel what I was feeling, it became pretty clear.

So I thought I might give this whole intentional mindfulness thing a good, honest try and see if it makes a difference. I'm only on day two, so it's hard to speak to the long-term effects yet, but I've had a really positive experience with it so far. Here are some brief early impressions.

• Following the guided meditations and reaching a state of deep relaxation is easier than I thought it would be -- especially if I put the meditations through headphones or earbuds.
• Being in that state feels similar to being on the threshold of sleep, only a bit different.
• That said, coming out of a meditation finds me feeling a lot like I just took a short (but restorative) nap.
• It could be my imagination at this point, but I feel like it might be easier to push intrusive thoughts and feelings aside than it was a couple of days ago.

Ultimately, there's a lot about meditation that feels familiar. Parts of the process are reminiscent of the process involved with engaging in the longer prayer sequences I learned to do years ago (like the Holy Rosary). And I've been consciously working on generating a better, more peaceful personal environment for working and creating, as well.

For example, I've resumed past habits that I remembered having a positive effect on my overall sense of well-being. Seth bought me this wonderful pair of Beats headphones recently, so I've been back to listening to soothing or well-loved music while I'm actively trying to relax, work, or create (instead of just always having the television on in the background). I make and drink tea nearly every day. I've been treating relaxing, grounding activities like reading and journaling like bigger priorities, as well.

I have a good feeling about adding daily meditation to the mix, so we'll see where I find myself after a month or so of this. So far, I've been doing it after I finish my lunch and before I start working for the day. And yesterday, I did a second meditation after work before shutting down for the night, as well. I'll do my best to keep that going.