What I Make When I'm Not Trying to Impress Anyone

At dinner last night, Seth and I had one of those conversations that really linger. The kind where you find yourself still turning it over in your mind the next day, like a stone you can’t stop touching. 

We were talking about creativity, specifically how freeing it can feel to create outside of the intention to impress anyone else. Not your audience. Not your peers. Not even yourself, but simply for its own sake. It reminded me of what it was like to be a kid, long before I knew a damn thing about coolness, trends, or social media algorithms. 

I didn’t wonder whether something I wanted to make was worth my time or care whether I had permission from the right people to do it in the first place. I just made things. And then sometimes I showed them to other people with unshakeable pride, never even considering that they might not think it was any good.

Bad poetry. Weird Lincoln Log creations. Silly stories about my toys that almost certainly contained way too many references to farts and burps. A set of homemade mini-books about my family and friends, hand-illustrated and lovingly "bound" with construction paper and staples. They were definitely the creations of a little kid still figuring life out. And they were glorious.

Naturally, I wouldn't submit a childhood story full of fart jokes to a literary journal today or expect an award for the god-awful poem I wrote about my purple digital bedside clock when I was ten years old. But those creations still stick in my mind today because of the sheer creative joy I felt while making them. 

Somewhere along the way, most of us lose that. And that's a real shame.

How the Fear Creeps In

As children, most of us are just like I used to be –– energetic, bright-eyed little people who create simply because it feels good. Or because we have something to express and don’t yet know how to hold it in (or see why we should try). If an adult liked what we made, it was a bonus. But it was never the point.

Then adolescence arrives with its comparisons and self-consciousness. Later, adulthood adds even more pressure to the whole sordid mess. Can this make money? Is this good enough to share? Am I still relevant? Why even bother when the internet is already littered with other people's art, essays, songs, and opinions?

The impulse to create gets all tangled up in the desire to matter. Before we know it, we've become people who need our work to be beautiful, interesting, and true, but also seen. Liked. Heartily approved of. Maybe even purchased. And while none of those desires are inherently wrong, they can easily crowd out the spark that made someone want to create in the first place.

On Regrouping and Looking Ahead to the Future

How we're already nearly halfway through January already, I'll never know. Don't even get me started on how an entirely new decade has up and started while I've been busy focusing on other things. I spent the rest of the time leading up to Christmas and New Year's continuing to focus on my professional and public-facing writing. Part of that involved continuing to build a presence and establish myself on a couple of the newer platforms I'd signed up with. The idea was to have turned those outlets into viable places to earn money on an ongoing basis before I was officially off the roster at BKA and really needed that income. 

Things worked out on that front a lot better than I'd hoped -- so well, I actually spent very little time writing for BKA in the second half of December. One of the two platforms I'm using regularly these days is a little more sporadic and less reliable as far as being able to go there and pick up extra work whenever I want some, but it's great for filling in my schedule here and there. The other has been working out well enough that it's definitely an appropriate replacement for BKA as far as my overall income goes. New work is posted there very regularly, so I've had plenty of things to work on. I've also managed to connect with some new regulars. The pay is really good. There's the potential to earn even more and gain access to even better projects if I work hard there as well. 

I'm hoping neither of those platforms suddenly goes tits up on me the way that BKA did because of AB-5, but I also feel like that becomes less likely the further into 2020 we get without it happening. It seems like most of the outlets that decided they wanted nothing more to do with California writers found it deeply important to give us the boot before the new year started and the new laws went into effect, so... knock on wood, and all that. 

On Kicks in the Face and What's Next

Well, this year certainly isn't drawing to a close on the note I wanted. This fucking horrible AB-5 bill that passed back in September sometime has really thrown a wrench into the machine as far as my professional copywriting work is concerned. Generally speaking, I don't tend to pay too much attention to what's going on with politics and all those laws unless they affect me, so I actually didn't even know about it... until I received an email a little over a week ago from the hiring manager at BKA Content, a writing agency I've spent the better part of the last year (and a lot of my professional time) working for. 

She was basically letting me know that the company was terminating all of their California writers at the end of the year because of this bill, and since I do indeed live in California, that definitely includes me. For those that don't know what the bill says, it basically requires any outlet working with California freelance writers to bring us on as full-time employees with benefits and all that jazz if we submit more than 35 published pieces to that outlet over the course of a year. The bill actually wasn't very well thought out, so it's quite unclear whether or not it even applies to copywriting agencies, as they're marketing businesses and not publications. However, a lot of agencies and platforms are erring on the side of caution by dumping all of their California writers regardless. 

That really sucked for me, because I'd really grown to like writing for BKA. I'd worked my way up to the point where I was on some of their most interesting teams. Because of them, I had the opportunity to write for major companies like Papa John's and AutoZone, as well as a multitude of different small businesses. I wrote content for a sober house, a cookie delivery company, an anti-aging skincare company, and many more this past year. Best of all, I didn't have to wait for someone to assign me whatever boring-ass content they decided was right for me. I got to personally select my assignments and work as much or as little as I wanted on any given day. It was perfect -- was. Don't even get me started on the amount of income I'll be losing thanks to that contract going in the crapper. 

The Sunset of Another Year

I can't believe Christmas is on Tuesday, nor does it seem possible that it's nearly time to say good-bye to yet another year. My relationships to both my biological and extended families are strained at best (where they're existent at all), so the holidays always bring up some weird feelings for me. However, this year I also have this wonderful feeling of accomplishment to help balance some of that.

I'm realizing that at one point, I got pretty used to feeling like a fuck-up. Every December usually finds me painfully aware of the fact that yet another year has slipped by without my accomplishing anything of note. Anything to be proud of. Nothing I've done to make my life better or truly move forward toward any of the long-term goals I like to claim are so important to me.

But not this year. This year, I can look back on a year I spent diligently improving myself. I've been exercising every day. I've been eating well. I've been taking amazing care of myself, both inside and out. I've been learning, reading, praying, and worshiping. (I am learning German, among other things!) I feel beautiful, and confident, and strong. I can honestly say I am finally growing into a woman I am proud to be and cultivating an image I'm unashamed to show to the rest of the world, either casually or in regards to something that's more serious.

Take last weekend, for instance. I've sort of made friends with one of our Instacart shoppers over Facebook recently and she asked to meet me in person last Saturday. (Normally I do the shopping and handle the orders, but Seth gets the door for the shopper in the event the delivery includes alcohol and needs to be signed for.) I'll probably never be the most voluntarily social person in the world, but it was really nice not to feel like I literally can't show my actual face to anyone because I've let my weight, hygiene, and grooming routine slide too far out of control for too long. Despite wearing boxer shorts and absolutely zero make-up, I felt like a normal human being saying hello to a friend who wanted to see me and that was really nice for a change.

On Red Hair, Glamour, and Anne of Green Gables

I finally got around to coloring and styling my hair a couple weeks back. I decided I wanted to take advantage of actually having virgin hair to work with again (for the first time in a very long time), so I switched things up from the really super bright shade of red I was doing previously. I chose a shade from L'Oreal's Power Reds collection, a coppery color that reminded me of fox fur -- a color found in nature, but still nice and bright. I had to dye it twice to get the level of lift I was after, but it ultimately came out exactly the way I wanted.

I invested in some new cosmetics recently and signed up for a couple of beauty subscriptions, as I want to get back in the habit of taking care of my skin and doing my make-up on a regular basis as well. It's been really fun so far, trying some new products and learning how to put together some different looks. I don't necessarily see the need to get all made up every day, as sometimes I just really like to sit around with a bare face, but I no longer see the point in saving my efforts for days I plan to go out or be around people either. I probably do my make-up more days than I skip it altogether though. I want maintaining my hair, face, and nails to one day feel like an essential part of my ongoing routine just like working out and watching what I eat have become.

I even took a few selfies the day I finished my hair so I could update the profile pictures on all my social media pages. Sometimes I'm really at a loss to explain why I don't take or allow more pictures of myself, because I rarely dislike the way I look in photos if they're taken properly. I'm honestly looking pretty good for an old broad in her 40's, even if I do say so myself. And the longer I stick with all the positive changes I've been making lately, the better I'll continue to look and feel going forward. I'm definitely going to keep looking for ways to stay excited about that, hopefully indefinitely. I think I'm off to a really good start and am super proud of all the progress I've made this year.

Writing Lab: On Energy and Its Sources

Prompt: "Where do you draw your energy from?"

I've never been what you'd call an energetic person. Even when I was a child, my brand of energy was a very quiet, subdued one, if such a thing can ever be said to exist. My mind would be going a mile a minute on any given day, but I was never much into being physically active. I've also always had a hard time mustering energy for doing things I don't feel personally invested in.

That part of who I am hasn't changed one little bit now that I'm an adult. I only feel what most people would call energetic when I'm legitimately on fire about something. Truth be told, I don't feel much enthusiasm when it comes to life in general. However, there are a few sources from which I seem to be able to pull energy if and when I need to.

January Musings

Much as it sometimes pains me to say it, I'm no longer really the kind of person that sets goals... if I ever was, that is. People that talk to me one-to-one on even a semi-regular basis hear this all the time from me, but I don't have this innate urge other people seem to have to "do something with my life" or "make something of myself". I don't particularly like being busy or having a lot to do. I'm not a big fan of attention or of knowing that others are counting on me either. If I didn't have to worry about earning money, I wouldn't even have a job or care much about getting anywhere practical with my writing.

I know how sad that sounds, but... that's me. I'm simple. I'm low-maintenance. There isn't a whole lot I need in order to be happy beyond the basics. All that said, I'm a hard person to motivate. I really do have to just have to decide I'm ready to do things in my own good time. That's exactly why New Year's resolutions aren't a huge thing for me. However, I do kind of like to touch base with myself at some point during the month of January anyway, the better to think about what's been working for me and what hasn't.