What I Wish I Believed About Money (And What I'm Learning Instead)

I've always had to worry about money and think about it way more than I'd like. It's also always managed to elude me, so it's never been the neutral force in my life that it should have been. 

Instead, the concept of money has felt loaded right from the beginning. Emotional. Moral. Personal. 

My potential earning power and job title were literally all that ever mattered about me to my parents, even when I was little. For that reason, it's always been hard to separate the number in my bank account from how I feel about myself as a human being. Not because I think money should define worth, but because the world around me often acts like it does.

I wish I believed instead that money was just energy, the way some people do. That it's normal for it to flow like breath or water — sometimes abundant, sometimes scarce, but never personal. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still working on that (and often failing miserably).

But I'm learning that when we stop viewing money as an emotional verdict, we can start seeing it as a tool instead. A neutral current. A resource to work with, not beg for and judge yourself because of. If you’re struggling to see it that way, too, you may relate to some of what I'm about to say.

I Wish I Felt Allowed to Want Money

Like many people raised without a safety net or a proper support system, I’ve been conditioned to believe there's something wrong with wanting money. Suffering, working yourself too hard for too little, and being satisfied with that is virtuous. Being unwilling to quietly settle for what life (and those around you) have decided you deserve is ingratitude and perhaps even entitlement.

But the truth is, I don’t want piles of money so I can lord it over other people while the world falls apart around me.

I want it so I can breathe easier, sleep more deeply, and give more freely. I want to be able to say "yes" to beauty, travel, generosity, and creativity without feeling guilty for doing so. I want to be that person who can afford to bless a waitress or an Instacart shopper with a $500 tip. And yes, it would be nice to finally stop white-knuckling life for a change.

If you’re also struggling with guilt over wanting more, ask yourself, “What would having more allow me to do, feel, or create?” If you're anything like me, a lot of what comes immediately to mind is probably pretty wholesome. Regardless, there's no shame in wanting your needs to be met. And there's no merit in denying those needs because someone else told you to at one point or another in your life, either.

On Feeling Like the Ghost of a Blogger and a Life Update

Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson in Howards End (1992)

So a word to the wise aspiring writer. Don't take breaks from any of the things you're out there doing to build your brand and get your name around. A little break can so easily turn into a long one, and before you know it, you've lost a lot of the progress you made over all those months you worked so hard. I feel a little thin right now -- like the ghost of a blogger -- and I'm not sure I like it.

Today was the first day in a long while when I haven't needed to spend my entire productive day working on freelance assignments, so I've been attempting to catch up on things like Medium posts, items on my personal to-do list, and social media tasks. Coming back and posting something new to Medium especially felt really weird, and it's clear that I've got my work cut out for me as far as getting my traffic back up where it used to be. The single-digit views on that poor article from earlier were depressing, to say the least.

It felt really good to actually write something for myself again besides entries to my private journal that no one has access to but me, though. It was also nice to spend some time on video lectures, umpteenth watchings of old beloved movies like Howards End, and a little bit of pleasure reading, to boot. (I'm currently reading Their Eyes Were Watching God.) I need more little pockets of time like the ones I enjoyed today, and today was a valuable reminder of that. 

I wasn't going to take a long weekend for President's Day, as I was worried about falling behind at work. But most of my clients are taking it, so I don't have much on my plate right now and may as well take an extra day off, too. When I mentioned that to Seth, he said I need to take better advantage of working for myself and enjoy the same holidays everyone else gets. When he's right, he's right.

On Tax Day, Freelancing, and All the Rest of It

Today was Tax Day, so of course, I was on Turbo Tax today getting my taxes done. I don't know why I always feel the need to wait until actual Tax Day to file my returns. I'd probably be a lot better off being proactive and getting them done in January or February like all the big boys and girls out there. 

I'm guessing it's because taxes are not fun when you're a self-employed person. You pretty much always owe, and I'm like a dragon hoarding its gold when it comes to money, especially these days. I've been very proud of how I've been able to put money in savings, clean up my credit, and all the rest of it over the past few years. It is not easy for me to let large amounts of money go for purposes like taxes, big bills, or unexpected emergency purchases. And I did really well last year -- certainly the best I've done since I started freelancing full time -- so I had to cough up a pretty big wad of change.

I feel better about it than I would have thought, though. In the past, stuff like this used to really piss me off, but I guess at some point over the past decade or two, I actually grew into an emotionally mature adult. I'm more socially astute than I used to be, so there's something I like about knowing I've paid my share toward the money that goes to pave roads, help people in need, and keep society running. I enjoy feeling like a productive, contributing member of society and all that. 

I guess that means I'm officially an old fart, but whatever. It's all good. It's just money. There's a lot more of it where that came from, and I have a lot of faith in my ability to earn more these days. It certainly feels like a load off -- having something I dread as much as I dread doing taxes officially off my plate for another year.

On December, News Break, and the Holiday Blahs

I suppose there isn't much left of the dumpster fire that's been 2020 at this point, although it hardly matters. It's not as if something magical is going to happen the minute the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve or anything. The world will still be as it is, and we'll still be as we are -- hurting but healing and figuring out what's next for us. But that is, without a doubt, one of the more valuable lessons I've learned this year. 

You may not be able to control all of your circumstances to the extent you'd like, but you have total control over how you react to them. As someone who's had to teach herself to willingly take the reins of her own life over the years, I'm pretty proud of how consistently I showed up and showed out this year. I managed to turn some of the worst challenges of my life into fruitful, productive ways to earn, heal, and express myself this year.

This has especially been the case with my writing. I ended last year as a burnt-out copywriter who wasn't even sure how she'd be making ends meet in the year to come. I'm finishing this one in a completely different place. Not only did I find newer, better avenues for my copywriting skills, but I also became a professional blogger and found paying outlets for what I think of as my "real" writing. I completed the first draft of a book this year -- my very first stab at book writing ever to result in a finished manuscript. I have a running list of additional avenues I'll be exploring in 2021 and beyond, as well. I'm exceedingly happy with where I am right now and excited about everything yet to come.

........

Like a lot of my friends and favorite writers on Medium, I've been testing the waters at News Break this month. I was invited to join their creator program at some point over the past couple of months, but I slept on it a while, as they seemed to be looking for citizen journalists as opposed to writers who do... whatever the hell it is I do. But then many writers from my circle started saying they saw some decent traffic there, even if all they'd done is republish their personal development stuff from Medium, so I decided to try the same thing. 

On Life in Lockdown and Stimulus Checks

At this point, we've all been doing the lockdown thing so long, I think a lot of us have forgotten what life was like before. Or at least I have. At this point, I'm used to this virus being a thing. I'm used to having to plan ahead more when buying groceries to make sure we have the things we need when we need them. I'm used to thinking twice before I consider going out in public (on the rare occasion it even crosses my mind).

I stay home all the time as a rule. I work at home for myself, I entertain myself at home, I pay other people to do all my shopping for me, and my social life starts and stops at social media, so the whole social distancing thing hasn't been hard for me at all. My life as a whole is largely unchanged from what it was. In fact, I could do this whole social distancing thing indefinitely, to be really honest.

Other people are another story though. They don't know how to cope with not being able to see their friends in person, go out for drinks, or spend time in public whenever they feel like it. Most of them are going stir-crazy, half from cabin fever and the other half from genuine stress over coronavirus and the very real risk of serious illness it brings with it. Some are deeply depressed and others are climbing the walls like little children.

I have to confess that the snob in me isn't impressed. As an extreme introvert and long-time voluntary recluse, I've always had people telling me how weird I am for finding it hard to fit into the rest of the world as easily as everyone else always has. It's nice (not to mention interesting) to be the one who's handling everything fine for the change. It's been very nice to be in a position to tell others to just suck it up and do what's necessary for a change.

It's not exactly earning me any friends though. In fact, it's lost me a few so far -- no one noteworthy or important so far, just more hopeless loser types leftover from my LiveJournal days whom I won't miss.

On Regrouping and Looking Ahead to the Future

How we're already nearly halfway through January already, I'll never know. Don't even get me started on how an entirely new decade has up and started while I've been busy focusing on other things. I spent the rest of the time leading up to Christmas and New Year's continuing to focus on my professional and public-facing writing. Part of that involved continuing to build a presence and establish myself on a couple of the newer platforms I'd signed up with. The idea was to have turned those outlets into viable places to earn money on an ongoing basis before I was officially off the roster at BKA and really needed that income. 

Things worked out on that front a lot better than I'd hoped -- so well, I actually spent very little time writing for BKA in the second half of December. One of the two platforms I'm using regularly these days is a little more sporadic and less reliable as far as being able to go there and pick up extra work whenever I want some, but it's great for filling in my schedule here and there. The other has been working out well enough that it's definitely an appropriate replacement for BKA as far as my overall income goes. New work is posted there very regularly, so I've had plenty of things to work on. I've also managed to connect with some new regulars. The pay is really good. There's the potential to earn even more and gain access to even better projects if I work hard there as well. 

I'm hoping neither of those platforms suddenly goes tits up on me the way that BKA did because of AB-5, but I also feel like that becomes less likely the further into 2020 we get without it happening. It seems like most of the outlets that decided they wanted nothing more to do with California writers found it deeply important to give us the boot before the new year started and the new laws went into effect, so... knock on wood, and all that. 

On Aging, Choices, and Other Monsters

When I hear people talk about whatever they think is wrong with their lives, it always seems to be about boredom to one degree or another. They want something to happen. They want to feel like their lives are exciting and full of action. They want to feel like they matter to other people -- that they're important.

I'm the opposite. I usually feel like too much is going on even though my "too much" often looks a whole lot like other people's "not much". I feel like I have too much to worry about and too many responsibilities. I also often feel like I matter too much to others and in all the wrong ways -- that too many people count on me for too many things I'm not really equipped to provide. Only those that know me well enough to know how resentful I become when I don't feel like the things I do are noticed or appreciated remember to thank me often enough. Most don't thank me at all, let alone return the favor ever. In other words, I get very little back out of life considering what I put into it at times and that feels almost unbearably unfair.

I'm also noticing that the older I get without any of that changing, the more important money seems to become to me. Not just any money either -- my money. Money I earn under my own power doing things I'm good at. As much as I don't like not having a choice about whether or not I work, I very much enjoy making money. I especially like that I'm in business for myself. I don't have a boss. I get to call all the shots 100% of the time. I don't have employees or business partners either, so I get to take 100% of the credit for everything I've accomplished from a business standpoint. It's a neat feeling -- indulgently selfish in a way I don't get to be when it comes to any other area of my life.