On Summer, Working at Home, and Laziness

It really is true what they say. Everything kind of has a downside... even getting to be someone who works for themselves from home. On the one hand, I have all this freedom since I started doing what I do. However, I'm not always sure that I put that freedom to the best possible uses.

When I imagine the concept of "freedom" in my head, I always picture myself being the same model citizen and full participant in regards to the outside world that I would be otherwise, only without the need to actually show up at an office day in and day out. In reality though? I get pretty lazy and that laziness only becomes more pronounced as time rolls on.

I'm a homebody at heart, so if work obligations and personal responsibilities don't require me to get out that often, I kind of just... don't. I don't like to dress up for no good reason, so not actually being required to go out most days eventually leads to barely bothering when it comes to fixing myself up at all. I certainly don't bother putting together outfits or putting on make-up most days. Before I know it, I don't even know where my nicer clothes are in the event I do want to go somewhere. Don't even get me started on how out of shape I become if something isn't forcing me to get outside and exercise on a regular basis.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that summer crept up on me again just like it always does and I don't feel ready for it. I don't have a car, so getting out and exploring requires a lot of walking, biking, or bus riding that I just rarely do anymore. Plus, I really don't feel like I have anything to wear or like I look good in what I do have. I used to feel like I looked pretty darned smart when I went out, but these days I tend to feel more like something that crawled out from under a rock and is just visiting the outside world for a while.

Red Hair and the Passage of Time

I haven't been up to all that much, but that's honestly OK with me these days. When I'm straight with myself, I sincerely prefer it when there isn't too much going on and life is ambling on at a relatively slow pace. That was honestly the whole point behind so many of the really big life choices I've made -- leaving my marriage years ago, building a new relationship with the kind of man I've always wanted to be with (a creative, contemplative sort like myself), going freelance, moving back to California -- so I'm not sure why I still sometimes find it so difficult to just relax and let myself enjoy that about life when I have the opportunity.

I'm happy to say that I've been doing at least some of the things I've been saying I wanted to do though instead of simply continuing to talk about them. For instance, I finally got around to dying my hair super-bright red as I mentioned wanting to do. You can sort of see it in this fail-picture from off my phone the other day. (I'm still getting the hang of taking pictures of myself with my touch-screen phone and I really didn't want to just post a shitty webcam pic someplace I already post way too seldom.) At the very least, I'm sure you can see it's much brighter and more vibrant than the dark auburn color I was sporting the last time I posted images of myself here.

I fucking love having hair this color, yo. Crazy-bright hair like this is something I always wanted to try, but never felt I could previously in life. If I didn't have to worry about what my stuffy ex-husband or my parents would have thought of it, I would have had to worry about whether or not my boss approved. These days, I honestly don't have to worry about anyone else's opinion, as my life is mostly populated with people who actually make me feel comfortable being myself. I'm even in a relationship with someone who likes most of the choices I make. It's really nice, actually. Anyway, I'm definitely keeping this for a good long while. It's terrific not to feel so sick of my looks because they've been exactly the same for so long that they no longer feel like "me".

On Obstacles and Goals for 2013

Wow, I can't believe that yet another year has been and gone. This realization never seems to get easier to deal with for some reason. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I always tend to look back on the year in review, feel like I didn't accomplish very much, and wonder where the hell all the time went. How could I have been as busy as I was -- and really, I'm always busy -- yet not feel like I made any real progress?

Occasionally, it occurs to me that I'm probably keeping myself busy focusing on the wrong things and that's why I feel the way I do around New Year's every year. I always fall into a very well-defined trap, especially professionally. I start feeling like the best way to gain the sense of accomplishment and well being I want most is to focus on earning more money. Money -- at least in theory -- buys you choices, freedom, and wiggle room. I feel like people need more of those things in order to feel happier and to have more time to pursue their real dreams and goals. However, the process of earning money takes up the lion's share of your time and energy, so ironically you never actually get what you were after in the first place.

That's totally what happened to me this year. I wanted to earn more money so that I could afford more and I did that. I was able to pay my bills more easily, as well as pay for a lot of things that my loved ones and I needed. However, I didn't accomplish any of the things that were the most important to me. I wanted to try to reclaim my creativity at least a little bit this year and produce at least two or three pieces I felt were good enough to send out to some publications I have my eye on. I also wanted to get off the computer at least somewhat regularly, get out more, eat out more, go to more local events, and make some memories.