On Obstacles and Goals for 2013

Wow, I can't believe that yet another year has been and gone. This realization never seems to get easier to deal with for some reason. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I always tend to look back on the year in review, feel like I didn't accomplish very much, and wonder where the hell all the time went. How could I have been as busy as I was -- and really, I'm always busy -- yet not feel like I made any real progress?

Occasionally, it occurs to me that I'm probably keeping myself busy focusing on the wrong things and that's why I feel the way I do around New Year's every year. I always fall into a very well-defined trap, especially professionally. I start feeling like the best way to gain the sense of accomplishment and well being I want most is to focus on earning more money. Money -- at least in theory -- buys you choices, freedom, and wiggle room. I feel like people need more of those things in order to feel happier and to have more time to pursue their real dreams and goals. However, the process of earning money takes up the lion's share of your time and energy, so ironically you never actually get what you were after in the first place.

That's totally what happened to me this year. I wanted to earn more money so that I could afford more and I did that. I was able to pay my bills more easily, as well as pay for a lot of things that my loved ones and I needed. However, I didn't accomplish any of the things that were the most important to me. I wanted to try to reclaim my creativity at least a little bit this year and produce at least two or three pieces I felt were good enough to send out to some publications I have my eye on. I also wanted to get off the computer at least somewhat regularly, get out more, eat out more, go to more local events, and make some memories.

My Holiday Thus Far

Rain on the My Bedroom Window

It's finally winter and I don't know where the year goes... at all. I seem to remember a day when life seemed to crawl at an intolerably slow pace -- especially through December as I waited for Christmas to get here -- but now it seems as if it flies by so quickly, it's unbelievable. How can Christmas and Christmas Eve be only a week away??

I love this time of year... but up until recent years, that had little to do with the coming of the holidays. I love cold weather. I love rain and snow (when I actually lived places where it was possible). I love the flavors, smells, and atmosphere associated with the holiday season. I love feeling like I really have "permission" to do some of my favorite things in this world, namely eat and relax at home. The rest of the year, I tend to feel obligated by some unknown force to go out more, do more, accomplish more, and be different. I like the winter because there's none of that required. It's fine and even preferable to make merry and take things slowly enough to appreciate what you've already earned, as opposed to focus on relentlessly earning more.

This year, I'm thrilled to actually have a little extra time to enjoy the things about my life that are actually going right. I recently got rid of a difficult client who was taking up all of my time and fully expected to continue doing so over Christmas and New Year's. With them out of the picture, I've had time to reconnect with some of my more reasonable clients, as well as with my fiancé and my friends. That's been really wonderful. I've been thoroughly enjoying my holiday as a result.

On Thankfulness

Some of my favorite days are the ones where I find myself going back over old posts in some of my blogs or at web accounts like DeviantART. This is probably going to come out totally wrong as far as the impression I'm giving, but I don't have the same problem I see that a lot of other creative people have. I never, ever go back over my old stuff and think: "Holy fuck, I need to just never pick up a drawing pencil or write another word again, because I suck compared to everyone else. I'm embarrassing myself." It's always: "You know what? I'm really good at this. One of the best things I could do for myself is make more time for my personal stuff."

Like a lot of creative people, I'm hard on myself when I actually sit down to create something. I'm pretty lenient and supportive when it comes to other people, but I hold myself to very high standards. I was raised to be that way, even though I am quite sure that my parents don't actually see any evidence that those teachings actually sunk in. I'm not competitive or the sort of person who wants to be better than other people. However, I do very much want to feel like I'm perpetually besting myself as the years go by and I put more and more out there into the world. When I look at all that I'm doing and all that I've done, I have to admit that I'm really pleased with my progress. I'm not where I ultimately want to be by any means, but I do feel like I'm getting there.

........

I  feel like I complain a lot about life and about work, especially offline. However, I have my reasons for it. I don't know of a way to express this without sounding like a whiny little princess, but life has always been hard for me -- harder than it is for some people. At 36 years of age, I now realize that I've struggled with bipolarism that is characterized by potentially dangerous, depressive lows. I've also come to a place where I strongly suspect I may have Asperger's syndrome (and Seth pretty much agrees, as his eldest son has a pretty pronounced case of it himself and he knows what it looks like).