On Kicks in the Face and What's Next

Well, this year certainly isn't drawing to a close on the note I wanted. This fucking horrible AB-5 bill that passed back in September sometime has really thrown a wrench into the machine as far as my professional copywriting work is concerned. Generally speaking, I don't tend to pay too much attention to what's going on with politics and all those laws unless they affect me, so I actually didn't even know about it... until I received an email a little over a week ago from the hiring manager at BKA Content, a writing agency I've spent the better part of the last year (and a lot of my professional time) working for. 

She was basically letting me know that the company was terminating all of their California writers at the end of the year because of this bill, and since I do indeed live in California, that definitely includes me. For those that don't know what the bill says, it basically requires any outlet working with California freelance writers to bring us on as full-time employees with benefits and all that jazz if we submit more than 35 published pieces to that outlet over the course of a year. The bill actually wasn't very well thought out, so it's quite unclear whether or not it even applies to copywriting agencies, as they're marketing businesses and not publications. However, a lot of agencies and platforms are erring on the side of caution by dumping all of their California writers regardless. 

That really sucked for me, because I'd really grown to like writing for BKA. I'd worked my way up to the point where I was on some of their most interesting teams. Because of them, I had the opportunity to write for major companies like Papa John's and AutoZone, as well as a multitude of different small businesses. I wrote content for a sober house, a cookie delivery company, an anti-aging skincare company, and many more this past year. Best of all, I didn't have to wait for someone to assign me whatever boring-ass content they decided was right for me. I got to personally select my assignments and work as much or as little as I wanted on any given day. It was perfect -- was. Don't even get me started on the amount of income I'll be losing thanks to that contract going in the crapper. 

On Knots, Meatloaf, and Paprikash

It feels nice to be back in the groove as far as super regular prayer and Bible study go. I just plain feel better when I'm making a little time every day to talk to God the way I know I should. Happier, better adjusted. More balanced. Even the worst of my worries and problems seem at least approachable, if not exactly solvable, and that's honestly good enough for me most days.

Earlier this week, I finished a new novena I'd always liked the sounds of, but never actually taken for a spin -- the one to Mary, Undoer of Knots. I really do feel I have issues in my life that I can't seem to overcome no matter how hard I try. Knots that I need help untying. Some of them stem from personal issues, but others have more to do with running themes in my life that I've never been able to escape or even figure out.

The hardest ones for me to deal with are honestly the ones to do with other people, because I have little to no control over what other people think, feel, or are ultimately going to do. So much about the way other people behave and treat others is hurtful to me, and it's made it very hard for me to stay invested in most of my personal relationships on a long-term basis. All someone has to do is hurt me to make me at least consider jettisoning them from my life for good, so I've got a lot of burnt bridges to show for my 43 years on earth. With friends. With partners. With family. If I keep going at that rate, I'll wind up just like my mother by the time I'm her age -- fresh out of people and pretty much alone in the world through my own doing. A person can only get by on their good looks for so long.

Demons, and Thoughts, and Demons, and Thoughts

I do not, and likely never will understand people. In particular, I don't understand how two-faced they can be. How they can tell you they feel one way about you to your face and then cut you up behind your back when they talk about you in private to others. I used to feel like this was simply a running theme in my own life for reasons I didn't understand -- attracting unusually disloyal people who talk shit about people whenever it suits them, but now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is just a problem with everyone, every person.

And if it is -- that this kind of disloyalty is just human nature -- how seriously should I take it? How much do people mean the things they say about someone they care about when they're busy complaining about them and shitting on them to others? Are they just venting their frustrations to avoid taking it out on the person, or should it be taken as evidence that they don't actually care after all?

To me, that has always been such a serious thing, as well as one of the first signs I felt I had that someone in my life is probably not there for the right reasons and that I should reconsider their continued presence in my life. In many cases, it was the end of my trust in that person, not to mention the beginning of the end of my love for them. I tend to feel like that sort of thing -- how you're discussed when people think you can't hear or won't find out -- is a window into how others truly feel about you, and that you would do well to pay attention to what you learn.

I rarely like what I learn about others when I become privy to such information. I rarely catch them sticking up for me, defending me, or telling others how grateful they are for all I do for them the way they claim to do. It always turns out to be them complaining about me, bitching about the way I am, whining about how much they feel they have to put up with because of me.