Hatching (and a Wee Story)

To me, the best time to turn over a new leaf isn't New Year's Day. It's still cold then, meaning the earth is still hibernating and so am I. I'm also just coming out of full holiday mode at the beginning of January -- probably not even back to work yet after whatever vacation I took to celebrate the season. I'm not ready to go from that state of being to making self-improvement plans and trying to be productive in any meaningful way. 

"Pre-spring" is a much more natural time for that. It's getting a little warmer, which makes it easier to get in the mood for positive change. Lent also starts, so I'm already primed and ready to put the brakes on the old self-indulgence engine for a while. I've been in kind of a low energy funk for a while, but I feel pretty prepared for Ash Wednesday day after tomorrow. This is a challenging time of year for me, but an exciting one as well.

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That said, I felt like trying to snag myself a real bank account and maybe a line of credit a few days ago. To my very pleasant surprise, I was actually approved for both. My credit's been such shit for such a long time, I've grown completely used to living a cash only lifestyle over the years. Apparently by now though, it's been so long since any credit problems I might have once had that I'm seen more as someone with no credit at all than I am a potential risk with bad credit. (I confirmed this with an actual credit check.)

On Holidays and the Malaise That Sometimes Comes with Them

Every time I randomly decide to blog after not having really blogged for a while, I wonder what my problem is as to why I'm no longer the consistent blogger I used to be years ago. I usually just blame the fact that I write professionally for a living because of the way it burns through so much of my creative energy for the week. And honestly, that probably is part of it.

Every so often though, I realize that it's probably more because I don't truly feel like my life is worth recording the way I used to. I don't do anything or go anywhere. I feel like I never have good news or exciting changes to report. I honestly feel like the only thing I really do with my time is work and lie around like a slug attempting to recover from work. While I definitely like being able to eat, I don't get any kind of personal fulfillment out of working for its own sake the way other people do, so it's a problem that that's the only thing I really have going on. 

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like my life kind of blows right now. When I feel like life blows, I feel very little urge to actually record anything about it. This is despite the fact that I've always found journaling to be therapeutic. I know I need to be taking back some of my creative energy for myself now and then, but it's not as easy as it probably should be.

On Getting Organized for Spring and Contemplating Feminism

I don't know if it's because I sometimes get inspired to organize in the spring or what, but I finally got Google Calendar set up a few days ago. I'm not using Elance, or Upwork, or anything to deal with any of my main clients anymore. Unfortunately, that also means I no longer have a preexisting organization system that keeps me in check as far as deadlines. Instead of continuing to try to hold onto everything by memory, I thought I'd take the opportunity to actually figure out a proper system for keeping work stuff organized instead. You know... the way someone that isn't a child disguised as a 40-year-old would do. 

Now I see why respectable people do maintain day planners and appointment calendars. It's a hell of a lot easier to remember something's coming up when you have a visual representation of your life to look at than it is to just try to store it all up in your head someplace. I even created other calendars in addition to the main one I have for deadlines -- one each for deliveries, astrological events I want to remember, personal occasions, and a couple of other things. I even set up sharing on the ones that are actually relevant to Seth's life so that he can also take advantage. It's great. I feel so fucking together. Like I actually accomplished something useful for a change!

The Struggle

I deal with self loathing and generalized negativity about life as often as the next person, but it never actually takes the form of "I bet I wouldn't be good at ____". It's more like "will ____ turn out to be as unsatisfying as nearly everything else in life and do I even want to waste my time".

That's the interesting thing about having been considered gifted as a child. You get used to hearing how exceptional you are at everything, so even as an adult, it never occurs to you that you wouldn't be good at whatever you try. You just assume that you not only will be, but that you'll be better at it than everyone else. And you're even right a lot of the time.

Thoughts on the Passing of David Bowie

Beautiful artwork from the Rolling Stone review of Blackstar

I'm really not the type of person that takes celebrity deaths super hard. Generally speaking, I am comfortable with the idea of death and loss, as I don't necessarily see dying as a horrible thing. It's just another type of very long good-bye. Sad, yes. But unless it was a gruesome, tragic, or grossly premature death, I see it as the most natural thing -- as natural and normal as birth.

Even so, the news of David Bowie's death hit me very hard. I've always known that it would, but I still don't think I was very well prepared for the reality of it. He'd just had a birthday two days prior. We celebrated it by watching the Five Years documentary and his newest music video for "Lazarus". I even remember verbally hoping that he'd be around for another 20 years, because his drive and creativity didn't appear to have diminished at all. Then I heard all about it. That he'd secretly been battling cancer for 18 months and knew he'd be leaving all of us very soon.

Get Off My Lawn, Kids

I must be getting old. Like... seriously, I've officially reached the point where the way "kids today" go about existing on Planet Earth baffles me as badly as I'm sure my own lifestyle and value system baffled my parents or grandparents. 

I think the weirdest thing to me is the going attitude toward relationships today. It honestly seems as if everyone under the age of 50 considers an open relationship to be the way to go. Like it's some kind of punishment to be expected to actually be faithful to your mate. I've even heard people saying that they think it's abusive and selfish not to be OK with it if your partner wants to sleep with other people. 

Now... I've been the last thing from perfect in some of my past relationships. I've cheated on people before. I'm even relatively open about the fact that my relationship with Seth started while I was still married to Greg. However, I never actually saw that behavior as something that should be socially acceptable or that my exes should have freely allowed me to do. Ultimately, I wanted to be with someone that was not only 100% faithful to me, but that kept me happy enough for me to want to be the same. I fought for it and searched for it until I found it and it's amazing to know that I have another person that belongs to just me and that I belong to in return. I honestly feel bad for anyone that's willing to settle for anything short of that. That isn't a relationship at all as far as I'm concerned.

Writing Lab: On Work Life Balance

Prompt: "Do you think you have a decent work/life balance?"

BlogHer's Writing Lab was so helpful to me last month that I think I'll continue responding to prompts now and then as we make our way into 2016. I may even start writing posts ahead of time and scheduling them to auto-post at later dates the way I used to. When I get in the mood to blog, I often feel like writing more than one post, but I don't always feel like updating more than one of my individual sites at a time. 

On that note, I can definitely see I'll have plenty to say about this month's theme -- balance. The tradition one kind of covered foreign territory for me, but I feel like my entire life has been about learning to understand balance and set appropriate boundaries, both for myself and for other people. This has especially been the case when it comes to my professional life.

I am about the furthest thing there is from a workaholic and I've always been that way. I very definitely believe in working to live, not living to work. When I'm working too much, I'm irritable and upset all the time. If I'm too stressed or too overworked for too long, I can also get incredibly sick -- mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. That said, achieving and maintaining a healthy work/life balance is of the utmost importance to me. It's also been easier said than done for most of my life.

Writing Lab: Mornings Are Tough No Matter What Time They Occur

I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. To be totally honest, I'm not even a day person. No, really. A lot of people say that, but I mean it to a much greater extent than they probably do.

Once upon a time, I worked an average, everyday job and kept to an average, everyday schedule. I slept at night and got up in the morning, just like most people. All of that's changed since I started working at home for myself as a freelance copywriter.

Being a team of one and not having to answer to anyone else has meant I can allow my body clock to settle into whatever pattern feels most natural. For me, that apparently means staying up most of the night and sleeping primarily during the day -- for the most part, anyway. (My typical bedtime is between 4AM and 6AM. I'm usually up for the day between noon and 2PM.)

Keeping such a schedule allows me to write when I have the most energy and feel the most creative -- in the evenings and at night. Seth is as serious a night owl as I am and also prefers that schedule, so my relationship doesn't suffer at all. Plus, I'm not even going to pretend I don't like that being a night owl makes it easier to avoid taking on very many social obligations (not to mention the evil, evil sun). I'm naturally reclusive anyway, but I go through these periods in my life where I feel like I'm in a cocoon of sorts -- too busy developing into whatever the hell person I'm going to be next to bother much with the outside world. That's kind of where I am now and being a night owl gels with that.

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On the Holidays, the Circle of Life, and Owning One's Stories

Hrm... I had no earthly idea you could actually upload GIFs to Blogger and have them work. I suppose that opens up a whole new wealth of blogging possibilities, doesn't it. Sometimes you really just need to say it with a moving picture. But already, I digress. I'm really here to talk about the holidays and life in general.

I did fantastic this year, especially professionally. I made good money. I've been able to keep our bellies filled with good food without also feeling like I'm working myself half to death. I'm especially happy that I didn't have to take too many junk content assignments in order to make ends meet. The vast majority of the projects I worked on were honest jobs creating good content for legitimate businesses for a change. I literally can't remember the last time I wrote clickbait or advertising for some crappy snake oil product and that's the way I like it. I don't need to feel like I'm changing the world with what I do or anything, but I do need to feel good about how I earn my living on a basic level.

I'm looking forward to kicking back and enjoying my holiday weekend for sure. Cooking will be relatively hassle free. This year, I got us a turkey from Omaha Steaks that's already prepped and brined, so I really don't have to do much of anything beyond putting it in the oven when I'm ready to cook it. We went the fast and easy route with the sides, gravy, and pumpkin pie as well. Seth is picking up the rolls and butter at the store tonight and the produce man is bringing our veggies tomorrow afternoon sometime, so yeah. We're definitely set. 

In Which a Vase Gets Its Flowers

Lately I've become such a fan of subscription boxes and whatnot. There's honestly nothing I like getting in the mail more than food. Plus, I really enjoy expanding my horizons as far as what I eat, but I often have trouble making decisions about what to try next for myself. Some of the box options out there these days are awesome. For instance, we do Nature Box for healthy snack options and Try the World just because it's super fun to get a package in the mail every other month filled with edibles from around the world.

One thing I'd really been interested in for a while is some sort of produce box option, because Seth and I really need to be eating more fruits and vegetables. However, we don't always know what we'd like to try. Also, I really preferred the idea of finding a local farm to support, as well as getting into the habit of eating seasonal/organic produce as well. I finally found an option I'm really happy with and we've been having so much fun with all the fruits and veggies.

This same place also offers eggs and flowers as add-on extras. We'd been wanting to get into cooking and eating eggs more often for a long time, so we've been ordering them pretty consistently. I don't usually care that much about having fresh flowers in the house or anything, so I hadn't seriously thought much about getting those, but Seth asked if we could have some for our bedroom and I thought "yeah, why not -- it would be nice to have some seasonal flowers around for a change". Those are them in the picture above.

Happy Birthday, Robin Williams

Last night, I dreamed that I met Robin Williams in the afterlife. He was hosting a party at his house in heaven. It had really huge glass windows, retro 60's furniture, and a fully stocked bar area. People were drinking martinis and lounging around on bean bag chairs. The walls were covered in dark green velvet and each guest was wearing blue, purple, or green. Some people were also wearing Mardi Gras beads. I had on a purple dress with green feather trim. I also had a fan made of peacock feathers.

Robin Williams was wearing this peacock blue suit and a striped tie. He was going around to everyone that was there, saying hello and welcoming them to his home. When he got to me, he told me I had the most radiant hair he'd ever seen and said: "It gets better, you know. Don't worry. You won't have to bring it either." He knew I was going to ask him how he was feeling -- particularly whether he'd been required to carry his depression to heaven.

The Best Things in Life

Goldie Hawn with Hamburger  in 1964

Sometimes I legitimately forget that I have blogs I can type in when I have thoughts I'd like to share or little tidbits of what I'd like to think of as wisdom to pass on to anyone that happens to be listening at the time. I still have lots of thoughts. I still share them. I guess I just did the thing and started doing most of my everyday sharing on Facebook like everyone else.

My thoughts tend to come to me spontaneously, usually while I'm busy absorbing someone else's content. Watching a movie, reading, catching up on the news, or looking at images that roll through my Facebook feed. If I have more to say on a topic, It doesn't occur to me to use them as jumping off points for longer posts somewhere else. I'll just add a two-sentence comment of my own and share it on Facebook.

But since today found me reading part of something brilliant penned by an extremely talented friend and immediately thinking "why doesn't he share this someplace other people can actually read it", I thought I might try practicing what I preach for a change. So here I am. Today, anyway.

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This picture of a young Goldie Hawn rolled through my Facebook feed a little earlier today and I liked it, of course. I always seem to like photos of people enjoying good food. Especially vintage photos. Especially vintage photos of beautiful, vivacious people enjoying what I like to think of as "real food". Most get a share from me without a second thought. It's more for personal reasons and less because I'm a connoisseur of great photography though (although I do appreciate that too).

Grower of Onions

In just a few weeks, it will be springtime again. And I will be 39 years old one week from Saturday. We're in the middle of our second Lent together. I do have additional thoughts and reflections on Lent in particular, but as some of you may already know, this particular blog isn't really the place where I prefer to keep them. Instead, I'll record some random goings on from life in general.

You know how you'll have a huge bag of onions and when you don't quite get to that last one in time, it winds up sprouting? Well, this time around, we elected not to throw the poor thing in the garbage for being resilient (and therefore less than edible). Instead, Seth planted it in a little pot and we named it Saul.

At present, Saul is hanging out on the little table we keep in the middle of our bedroom. I know he's just a sprouted onion, but I'm nevertheless reminded of how much I used to enjoy keeping plants and making things grow. I like observing the way Saul's little cylindrical onion leaves keep reaching out toward the sunlight wherever it happens to be at the time. (People really do forget that plants are living, amazing things.) We've been talking about maybe doing a little cleaning and straightening in our room so that we'll have places to keep more plants if we like -- some edible and others merely decorative.

January Musings

Much as it sometimes pains me to say it, I'm no longer really the kind of person that sets goals... if I ever was, that is. People that talk to me one-to-one on even a semi-regular basis hear this all the time from me, but I don't have this innate urge other people seem to have to "do something with my life" or "make something of myself". I don't particularly like being busy or having a lot to do. I'm not a big fan of attention or of knowing that others are counting on me either. If I didn't have to worry about earning money, I wouldn't even have a job or care much about getting anywhere practical with my writing.

I know how sad that sounds, but... that's me. I'm simple. I'm low-maintenance. There isn't a whole lot I need in order to be happy beyond the basics. All that said, I'm a hard person to motivate. I really do have to just have to decide I'm ready to do things in my own good time. That's exactly why New Year's resolutions aren't a huge thing for me. However, I do kind of like to touch base with myself at some point during the month of January anyway, the better to think about what's been working for me and what hasn't.

Indian Summer

Indian summer is in full effect here in the Monterey area and I really don't like it much. Some people here love the unseasonably warm weather and welcome the chance to enjoy an extended summer. Being the fragile little Pisces that I am, I'm really very sensitive to heat, so I have to worry about problems like heat stroke. Especially since like most households around here, ours doesn't have air conditioning.

Thankfully, Seth is the type of guy that insists on doing anything he can to make me as comfortable as possible. Within the past week or so, two of the fans we depend on to stay cool when it's warm decided to kick the bucket. We tried to order a replacement in time for it to get here before the heat wave started, but there was some problem with the order on the vendor's end and it was unexpectedly cancelled.

Yesterday, Seth actually wound up walking five miles and visiting three different stores to get us a new fan so that we wouldn't fry to death. I'm really grateful that he did, too, because having this new fan in here today has made a massive difference. It's been warm, but I haven't even broken a sweat despite the temps being up in the 90's somewhere for most of the day. Thankfully, I didn't have any deadlines today, so I was also able to just kind of forget about work for a change and just vegetate.

At the Threshold of the Fall Equinox

Tomorrow is the equinox, so I guess it will officially be fall at long last. I can't even express how happy that makes me. It's time for cooler weather and nice, long nights. It's time to read Dracula and watch horror movies. It's time for big steaming homemade bowls of stew, and soup, and chili.

Then it will be time for the holidays. Last year, I think I felt like I'd finally made them my own. Not what my family, or my ex-partners, or society thought they should be, but what I felt they should be. It turned out the right approach combines religion with the same fun, cozy traditions Seth and I have developed by ourselves over the years. I am really looking forward to doing that again. My holiday season felt like it had a lot of meaning on more different levels than usual and that's something that's been missing.

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I decided I'm not really going to bother with my high school reunion in October. The main reason is the tickets were prohibitively expensive -- for me with my limited income, anyway -- and I just couldn't justify spending almost $200 for Seth and I to attend something I'm not even sure I care that much about. However, I also really don't think I feel like wasting an entire weekend socializing with people I'm not even close to just so I can say that I did it. As nice as it was to see some of the old peeps at Robert's funeral, the introverted Pisces that I am still kind of couldn't wait to leave. An hour or two of forced social interaction is about all I can realistically expect out of myself these days.

On Autopsies and Reconstructions

The Resistless Hour Awaits by Dan May

The older I become and the more I continue to evolve as a person, the less and less I seem to need validation from other people in order to feel good about myself and my decisions. At one point, I never thought I'd get here... but here I am just the same.

Once upon a time, things were very different for me in that regard. Like a lot of people -- especially when they're still young -- I cared about being liked and accepted above all else. I still insist on being liked and accepted by the people I allow to become close to me, but I am a lot pickier as far as how I go about making connections these days. It's quality over quantity all the way.

It occurs to me that I've been outgrowing more and more of my friends as a result. A little at a time, but steadily all the same.

You know how it goes. You take up with people at a point in your life when you're in a certain state of mind -- lonely, angry at the whole world because you're not getting everything you think you're entitled to. You're probably even initially attracted to them because they're like you and have the same outlook on life. Then you evolve. You start figuring things out. You grow up a little and start realizing that sometimes you're the problem. You learn how to make better choices and form better quality relationships as a result. You slowly but surely begin to "get it".

What the Before Sunrise Trilogy Taught Me About Relationships

Jesse and Celine in Their 40's -- Before Midnight

Anyone who knows me well already knows how I am these days in regards to the way romantic relationships are depicted in movies. I'm going to be 38 years old on my next birthday. At this point in my life, I've been in several relationships, some of them OK and some of them not so OK. I've already been married and divorced. Eventually, I'll wind up married again, this time to my dear partner of going on nine years. Suffice it to say that the idealistic little girl that could actually watch a Disney movie or a romantic comedy and totally believe that she was looking at a realistic depiction of actual love is long dead and buried thanks to cold, hard reality.

I suppose that's why I've always felt unusually invested in Jesse and Celine, the two characters from the Before Sunrise trilogy. They felt and still do feel real in a way other movie couples just don't. I finally got a chance to see the latest installment (Before Midnight) last night thanks to the magic that is Netflix. As a result, I find myself realizing that these two have probably taught me more about the reality of not only relationships, but also goal-chasing, personal development, and the process of growing older than anyone I know in my actual life. (We creative types can be pretty solitary, yo. We need to take our learnin' where we can get it.)

I wasn't stupid in my 20's. I was just young.

Like a lot of people that are fans of the series, I've actually been growing older right along with Jesse and Celine. When they met on the train in Before Sunrise, I was just a little younger than they were at the time. I still saw the world the way they did. I was idealistic and optimistic. I pretty much took it for granted that my life would eventually fall into place more or less perfectly and that any professional life I might ever have would find me doing something fantastic and unforgettable. I definitely still assumed I'd wind up part of some perfect couple that looked nothing like the middle aged German couple Jesse and Celine see arguing on the train. In other words, I had a lot to learn. 

Independence Day 2013

Wolfie With Our American Flag

As my American friends and readers already know, yesterday was Independence Day here in America. It's been so terribly hot here in Monterey over the past couple of weeks, but it finally started to cool down late in the day yesterday. Somehow we hadn't really gotten into the spirit of barbecuing yet this year, but 4th of July is always a great time to start, so that's exactly what we did. 

We also finally got around to taking some new pictures of ourselves and each other. I don't know how it is that we got so bad about this -- especially me. Granted I've never been someone who likes having their picture taken or who feels comfortable in front of a camera, but I definitely used to actually be in the habit of taking pictures on a regular basis anyway -- certainly at least a few new ones a month or something. This was especially the case since I've been so active online for so many years and plenty of uploaded photos are really the only way other people can see you and feel like they know you.

On Summer, Working at Home, and Laziness

It really is true what they say. Everything kind of has a downside... even getting to be someone who works for themselves from home. On the one hand, I have all this freedom since I started doing what I do. However, I'm not always sure that I put that freedom to the best possible uses.

When I imagine the concept of "freedom" in my head, I always picture myself being the same model citizen and full participant in regards to the outside world that I would be otherwise, only without the need to actually show up at an office day in and day out. In reality though? I get pretty lazy and that laziness only becomes more pronounced as time rolls on.

I'm a homebody at heart, so if work obligations and personal responsibilities don't require me to get out that often, I kind of just... don't. I don't like to dress up for no good reason, so not actually being required to go out most days eventually leads to barely bothering when it comes to fixing myself up at all. I certainly don't bother putting together outfits or putting on make-up most days. Before I know it, I don't even know where my nicer clothes are in the event I do want to go somewhere. Don't even get me started on how out of shape I become if something isn't forcing me to get outside and exercise on a regular basis.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that summer crept up on me again just like it always does and I don't feel ready for it. I don't have a car, so getting out and exploring requires a lot of walking, biking, or bus riding that I just rarely do anymore. Plus, I really don't feel like I have anything to wear or like I look good in what I do have. I used to feel like I looked pretty darned smart when I went out, but these days I tend to feel more like something that crawled out from under a rock and is just visiting the outside world for a while.