The Sunset of Another Year

I can't believe Christmas is on Tuesday, nor does it seem possible that it's nearly time to say good-bye to yet another year. My relationships to both my biological and extended families are strained at best (where they're existent at all), so the holidays always bring up some weird feelings for me. However, this year I also have this wonderful feeling of accomplishment to help balance some of that.

I'm realizing that at one point, I got pretty used to feeling like a fuck-up. Every December usually finds me painfully aware of the fact that yet another year has slipped by without my accomplishing anything of note. Anything to be proud of. Nothing I've done to make my life better or truly move forward toward any of the long-term goals I like to claim are so important to me.

But not this year. This year, I can look back on a year I spent diligently improving myself. I've been exercising every day. I've been eating well. I've been taking amazing care of myself, both inside and out. I've been learning, reading, praying, and worshiping. (I am learning German, among other things!) I feel beautiful, and confident, and strong. I can honestly say I am finally growing into a woman I am proud to be and cultivating an image I'm unashamed to show to the rest of the world, either casually or in regards to something that's more serious.

Take last weekend, for instance. I've sort of made friends with one of our Instacart shoppers over Facebook recently and she asked to meet me in person last Saturday. (Normally I do the shopping and handle the orders, but Seth gets the door for the shopper in the event the delivery includes alcohol and needs to be signed for.) I'll probably never be the most voluntarily social person in the world, but it was really nice not to feel like I literally can't show my actual face to anyone because I've let my weight, hygiene, and grooming routine slide too far out of control for too long. Despite wearing boxer shorts and absolutely zero make-up, I felt like a normal human being saying hello to a friend who wanted to see me and that was really nice for a change.

On Transformations, Pride, and Self-Love

It looks like Blogger finally got around to purging the old, extraneous blogs I deleted a few months ago. I certainly wasn't planning on reviving them or anything, but it still feels a little bittersweet to actually see that they're really and truly gone. With them go the fractured little pieces of me that they contained back when I was still not really sure who I was or what I wanted to be going forward.

To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure, but I do know I no longer have the time or energy to try to be all things to all people. I like that there is really only one of me these days. I'm still the reader, and the writer, and the lover, and the passionate home cook, and the closet spiritualist. I'm just all of those things at the same time now. It feels like a right proper place to be. Grounded, stable, and lots of other words I never would have used to describe myself a few years ago.

My phone's image gallery is full of selfies these days. I don't even share most of them with anyone else, but I consider it a very good sign that I've felt moved to take them at all. Historically speaking, I photograph things I'm proud of or pleased by. If I'm taking pictures of myself, that must mean I've reached a place where I feel proud of how I look again. I'm certainly proud of how well I've been taking care myself so far this year. My fit body and my beauty were things I never fully appreciated the last time I actually had them, so it's nice to feel the way I imagine other people would feel about those things. I love the ways I've been changing and I get excited every time I realize that things will only get better from here.

On Red Hair, Glamour, and Anne of Green Gables

I finally got around to coloring and styling my hair a couple weeks back. I decided I wanted to take advantage of actually having virgin hair to work with again (for the first time in a very long time), so I switched things up from the really super bright shade of red I was doing previously. I chose a shade from L'Oreal's Power Reds collection, a coppery color that reminded me of fox fur -- a color found in nature, but still nice and bright. I had to dye it twice to get the level of lift I was after, but it ultimately came out exactly the way I wanted.

I invested in some new cosmetics recently and signed up for a couple of beauty subscriptions, as I want to get back in the habit of taking care of my skin and doing my make-up on a regular basis as well. It's been really fun so far, trying some new products and learning how to put together some different looks. I don't necessarily see the need to get all made up every day, as sometimes I just really like to sit around with a bare face, but I no longer see the point in saving my efforts for days I plan to go out or be around people either. I probably do my make-up more days than I skip it altogether though. I want maintaining my hair, face, and nails to one day feel like an essential part of my ongoing routine just like working out and watching what I eat have become.

I even took a few selfies the day I finished my hair so I could update the profile pictures on all my social media pages. Sometimes I'm really at a loss to explain why I don't take or allow more pictures of myself, because I rarely dislike the way I look in photos if they're taken properly. I'm honestly looking pretty good for an old broad in her 40's, even if I do say so myself. And the longer I stick with all the positive changes I've been making lately, the better I'll continue to look and feel going forward. I'm definitely going to keep looking for ways to stay excited about that, hopefully indefinitely. I think I'm off to a really good start and am super proud of all the progress I've made this year.